overwhelmed much? and guess who's 15 months old??

I spent 20 minutes this morning looking for my black cardigan, which meant that I was 25 minutes late to work. The line at the DD drive through was like the line for Space Mountain on a sunny Saturday in June and, needless to say, I am a frazzled wreck and a coffee and xanax combo at 8:38am just sounds like a recipe for disaster to me…..

I never found my cardigan. Seriously, I wear it every other day, how far could it have gone? I looked on the chairs, in the car, in my closet, in the laundry….I’m wearing my frumpy grey cardigan today and I feel like a toad and OH!  Did I mention? I have to go see the doctor after work (yes, THE doctor….). Guys, today is just not my day…

When it rains it pours…have truer words never been spoken? And would I even be happy with a steady pace? I guess when everything gets thrown on top of you at once at least it means that pretty soon, you’ll have a weekend or two where you’re sitting around with your finger in your nose wondering what the hell to do with yourself and all your free time, right? wishful thinking….

The thing is, I kind of hate feeling frantic. I want to say “doesn’t everyone?”, but I actually think there are a lot of people who thrive off of it….I am not one of them. mostly because I always make things more difficult than they need to be…like, oh, we’re having friends over on Saturday? Well then DROP EVERYTHING I need to rent a boat and go catch some lobsters for dinner….really? Easy just ain't my style...

Anyway, as per the uge, I am off on a tangent. I just meant to swing by here and say DAMN a girl could use a day to breathe! And a new black cardigan, because seriously?

Last weekend was a whirlwind of funeral services followed by dinner at the in-laws and this weekend proves to be more of the same (minus the funeral, thankfully) with Ben’s Easter Party at school complete with pony rides, an egg hunt and a visit from The Bunny himself…then it’s Passover and  I blink and CRAP! IT’S FRIGGIN HALLOWEEN!….

:::::::rocking naked in the corner in the fetal position:::::::::

******************************************

Today, Ben turns 15 months old….15 months. whoa.

He gets sweeter every day….I know, I know, I’m his mom and I am biased, but I swear it is the God’s honest truth. He gives me kisses when I ask for them, but only if we’re alone. He loves to snuggle and get chased around….he loves being outside, trying to eat sticks, handing over broken bits of last autumn's leaves with much fanfare like they are priceless gifts, exploring this big, crazy world that is still so new to him.

He said his first word about a month ago…and has been impressing us with his ever expanding vocabulary ever since…

Bird = “Burr”

Uh-oh 

Apple = “Ah-Po”

Mama, Dada

Nose = “ose”

No………

And our favorite….”weego beego” which we are pretty sure translates to “Regal Beagle”.

I’m also pretty sure he was attempting to say “Octopus” last night while reading his bathtub book. And picking the crab out of a lineup of assorted sea creatures? Piece of cake for this dude. Gets it right 90% of the time. Genius.

This is how he smiles for pictures, always running at you full steam ahead, hence the perpetual blur...I know it is completely ridiculous and also, so temporary, and for that, i could cry because seeing this crazy face does something to my heart that feels like an explosion every single time….I just want to scoop him up and swallow him whole. If I could spend 24 hours of every day hugging and kissing him, I swear I would do it and never feel like a single second was wasted….I love him more every minute and I know that is sappy and a big eye roller, but God, it’s true!

Besides, honestly? Have you ever seen anything quite so handsome?

Big Pimpin'

with disbelief...

My friend Lou passed away this morning.

I am heartsick. Regretful for all the times I didn’t answer his texts when he wanted to stop by and see me at work and all of the times I got frustrated at him for embarrassing me, which was one of his favorite things to do. Lou had a heart of gold, even if it was wrapped in a strange package. He was the most generous person I have ever known in this life, giving of his time, his help, his money, his love without ever expecting anything in return besides companionship and loyalty.

He struggled. He struggled so much and so long and I wasn’t there for him the way I should have been. I was just thinking yesterday how the first night my mom was in the hospital to have surgery to remove her tumor, Lou was frantic out here on the east coast making calls to one of his good friends who worked for a top cancer hospital, advising me, supporting me, begging me to move her back here so she could have the best care. A year later, his own mother was diagnosed with the same cancer. Our moms fought their battles together, 3000 miles apart and his mom lost hers much sooner than mine did. It brought me to my knees the morning I got that call from him, and I struggled for the first time with that indescribable feeling you get when someone you love dies….the disbelief. The ‘this is just a joke, I’ll just call her up tomorrow and we’ll have a good laugh about it’. I'm having that feeling again today....this morning I am consumed by it. I think trying to understand how it’s possible that you will never hear a person’s voice again, never be able to hug them, laugh with them, make new memories, is one of the strangest mental conflicts we experience in this life….how can it be that everything we knew just vanished? It’s gone, just like that. How is that POSSIBLE? And above all, how does GOD allow it? Don’t talk to me about a better place, a bigger plan, and about faith. Right now, I am angry and I want my friend back….and our moms too, while we’re at it.

Lou took me in when I had no place to go after I got in the fight with my roommate that ended our 7 year friendship and ultimately landed me back in California. I spent Christmas Day with his family that year, eating his mom’s ricotta cheesecake, watching the snow fall; warm, happy and feeling loved.

Lou introduced me to my husband.

Louie, you will be missed, more than you ever believed you would be. I am so thankful to have the memories, funny & ridiculous, raw & deep, that belong only to us. I will always be proud to have called you my friend. I love you, LouLou.

wonderment and glee...

The weather has been glorious here the last few weeks...

Like, pinch me, am I really in new york?? kind of glorious…. the weather app on my phone actually told me it was warmer here than in California a couple of times….to which I, of course, scoffed and turned a blind eye. In case you missed it on Instagram, I actually got a pretty gnarly sunburn on Sunday just lollygagging on the back deck! Obviously, the Apocolypse is upon us….

Benny hadn’t been to the park since last September and it was a whole ‘nother ball game back then….now that he is running all over like a mad fool, getting into mischief and generally being a little hellion, we saw the brilliant sunshine as a perfect excuse to let him run free and work out some of that toddler energy…

Speaking of toddler energy, there is a theory in my family that you are born with all of the energy you are going to have for your entire life and that is why kids are such maniacs, because they have like a hundred zillion times more energy working in their tiny bods, and then, like that sand clock thingy, the older you get…..well, the less you have, which explains why most days, it takes an act of congress to get me off the couch once I sit down…..or maybe I am just a lazy couch potato? Moving on….

Seeing my little boy discovering the world, choking on his giggles, chasing birds and running free filled my heart with a joy and gratitude that I can’t put into words.

Full.

Full is the only word I can think of…..dealing with all the stupid crap and angst in my head these days, it was sort of a shock to my system to feel so genuinely full….of happiness (dare i?), thankfulness, unadulterated glee.

It was an awesome day.

who wants to come shopping with me?

Oh girls, have I got some goodies for you!!

I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with shopping. I'm a dreamer, you know, so I spend a lot of time on Pinterest pinning outfits that are too cool for me to pull off and polyvore where every single item in these imaginary outfits costs a hundred trillion dollars. If I'm not pretending, then I'm on real shopping websites...Victoria's Secret, Piper Lime, Rue La La...usually, I just fill up my shopping cart with everything I want, stare at the full contents on my screen hopelessly, feel the beginnings of a panic attack coming on and then X out of the browser really fast and pretend I never saw anything. Buyers remorse without even buying anything. I have issues.

So anyway, there are a couple of things I don't suffer much guilt over purchasing.. one of these is jewelry …Are you with me? I mean, jewelry....duh. I'm a girl! And a good piece of jewelry can make or break an outfit. Often, you only need one statement piece, whether big and chunky and loud and outrageous or delicate and feminine and sweet to set the tone of your whole look....money well spent, if you ask me.

And what alleviates the guilt even more?? Contributing to a worthy cause! I know we’ve all been bombarded this week with the KONY 2012 movement. Whether we have been spurred into action or just simply made aware, the bottom line is that none of us can pretend anymore that we are ignorant to the atrocities taking place. And since I love ya, I bring you Mylo Jewelry, a very hot little etsy shop where you can not only buy yourself some gorgeous, ON TREND neck, arm and ear candy, but also, feel good doing it because 100% of the profits of a select handful of pieces in this shop will be donated directly toward the movement to stop Joseph Kony and his LRA. Win win! Capeesh?

I am seriously dying over this tiny little itty bitty skull necklace, the blacked out finger bracelet and this pyrite necklace….dying.

And home fragrance? Well, a house that smells yummy is right up there on my list of favorite things right after vodka high thread count sheets. When spring finally rolls in, if you're anything like me, you can't get enough of things that smell fresh and airy, like sunshine and lilies and linen...and then summer shows up and I'm all about peaches and watermelon and margaritas (ok. I'm about margaritas all the time, it's a fact Jack.)...then it's pumpkin pie and apples and pine trees and snow and the cycle starts again...

So what else do I have for you? Yummy Scentsy of course. Have you heard of Scentsy? Unless you’ve been living under a rock, my guess is that you have. I am straight up addicted. I seriously have a problem. I buy the Scensty 6-packs every time I get the hankerin’  for a new mood around the house (honestly? ‘get the hankerin’? help me.) and I have a dangerous collection going on. Some girls have shoes, I have Scentsy.

And it’s not just home fragrance anymore either! They have “Scensty Buddies” which are the cutest little stuffies for your child’s room or the car that smell like your Scensty favorites and they even have perfume and laundry scents now too! Awesome.

AND HERE’S THE FUN PART!! My Scentsy girl, Pink Christine, is throwing a March Mystery Party! What does this mean for you? It means that if you follow this link, join the party and buy yourself some yummy new stuff for your house to celebrate the arrival of Spring! Glorious Spring!,you automatically have the chance to be chosen as the Mystery Host and reap all the benefits of being a party host without actually having to put out trays of triscuits and cheese and vacuum your carpet for guests!

Honestly, if you haven’t tried Scensty, now is the time because this is a great chance to win some fun stuff and also, Scensty rules. Beyond.

So go forth and shop, my friends….IT'S SPRING!!! thank me later!

so Saturday night...

I was just sitting on the couch, feet up, having 8 points worth of cheap merlot (ok. 16. don’t judge me.) and checking out my Draw Something! games, when a twitter came through….

He was all…

And then I, fueled by previously mentioned cheap merlot, was all…

And then, I followed up with….

And then….and then…..he was all….

And then? I am pretty sure I died. Nice knowin’ ya peeps. My work here is done.

p.s. my apologies to anyone who follows me on instagram or the facebooks and has already had this nonsense rubbed up in their face. I am just……just….dead over it. dead I say.

Weight Watchers....an update

I know you’ve all been on the edge of your seats waiting to hear how the Weight Watchers journey is going…knowing me, as you do by now, you might expect me to be all “this blows, my life sucks, I’m gonna go eat a bucket of chocolate covered worms” and honestly, I kind of am feeling a little bit like that, as usual, but I’m holding back! Especially on the chocolate covered worms part….cuz, you know, they probably have too many points. :::eye roll:::

Ay-yi-yi….what has become of me? I resisted for so long. I used to be able to do this on my own and I am still not convinced that an organized, meetings based, point counting scenario is that much better than anything I ever did before during the times I was successful, but there are two things I AM sure of…

This time, for whatever reason, I needed accountability to be my motivation. Most things for me always have been (and still are, shamefully) a lot about appearance….what this journey should be about, is health, but I never claimed to be mature. That said, and not having anything in the future to “look forward to” (thanks for that outlook, Depression. Very helpful!), I couldn’t dig up any motivation to do this on my own. For what? Lowering my risk of diabetes, heart disease and cancer? Living a longer, healthier life to spend with my son? Being able to run that half marathon I keep daydreaming about? meh. Pass the Ruffles. But accountability? Actually having to face that number on the scale, and a room full of people, and a judgemental, caffeinated meeting leader, and oh yeah, MYSELF for the first time in forever? The very real threat of SHAME? I’m in.

Source: hendersons01.blogspot.com via Rachel on Pinterest

The other thing is that……wait for it….I don’t hate this as much as I thought I was going to!

I’ll give you a second to pick yourself up off the floor. I know. I know. it shocked the hell out of me too….but you know, getting up early on Sunday morning to face the music and then sit in a room with a bunch of other fatties who aren’t judging me (and I call us fatties in the most loving way) is comforting. All of the sudden, I don’t feel like I deserve to be run over with the Twinkie truck….instead, I feel like I deserve a hug….a hug, and maybe also one of those sample bags of Weight Watchers Popped BBQ Potato Crisps they hand out. Those aren’t half bad!

There are things I still need to work on. I have a mental block about letting myself eat all of my points. I don’t think I will ever let go of that. I’m not torturing myself. I always hit the daily minimum of 26, but most days I don’t go too far over that, and I am supposed to. I don’t use my weekly “extra” points. Ever….and you know, they say you should. They stay it’s a lifestyle, that this is for the long term, that you can’t stick to something if you feel deprived. I get that. but I also know myself and have been on this dieting wagon on and off for….oh….god…ALL MY LIFE. They don’t encourage alcoholics to sniff empty whiskey bottles 3 weeks into their 12 step program and nor should I be allowed to let the reigns slack just yet. I will, in time. Trust that I will….and you will see it all. Because it will be amazing and it’s name, I’d wager, will be LOBSTER ROLL. Be ready for that.

Anyway, I know what you came for, so I will give up the deets…

Source: adailystumble.tumblr.com via Rachel on Pinterest

The first week, I lost 7 lbs…I was all “wahoo!” and high on life.

The next week, I only lost 1.2 lbs and I was not so high on life anymore. I was still in the angry phase, and that, coupled with a pitiful loss, really kind of did a number on me, but I held strong…

Last week, I lost 1.8lbs., so I’m not winning any speed contests here, but at least the scale is moving in the right direction.

I’m not used to slow results. I am a crash diet, instant gratification person. We see how well that has worked for me in the past, right? I'm trying not to panic. I am trying to take one day at a time. forgive myself if, say, instead of dinner I accidentally drink 16 points worth of wine (oops.)

The important thing is that I have crossed over that mental hump. Do any of you know what I’m talking about? There is a clearly defined line in the sand for me which separates the first however many days or weeks where throwing in the towel is a red level threat alert vs. all the time after that until the goal is reached when throwing in the towel becomes no longer an option. I crossed it. That's huge.

Next up….we excercise. crap.

11....eleven....XI

pretty creative up there in the title, huh? not really? oh...ok anyway...

i got tagged!!! and i got tagged by my sweetest girl, the love of my blogging life, pretty miss ashley!  i feel like the queen of the prom a little bit! not gonna lie! so i've been working on this here little game/project/exercise for days and days now trying to get it right and as i am doing that, piddling along at a snail's pace, i am seeing all my favorite girls (some of whom i was planning to tag myself! NOOOO!!!) getting tagged by somebody else and posting their eleven things and i am all STOOOOP!!!! WAIT UP GUYS!! cuz i am always tardy to the party, as well you know. *sigh* so i figured i'd better git ta gittin', put my ducks in a row and treat you, my friends, to my eleven....grab some popcorn, without further adieu...

There are 6 rules: 

1. Post these rules.

2. Post a photo of yourself & 11 random things about yourself.

3. Answer the 11 questions set for you in the original post.

4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them.

5. Go to their blog and tell them you've tagged them.

6. No saying, "If you are reading this, you're tagged."

 

 

 

11 Random Things About Me

1. When I was in the 4th grade, I was The Cowardly Lion in my elementary school’s adaptation of The Wizard of Oz. In my heart of hearts, I really wanted to play the role of Dorothy, but I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to memorize all the lines. By opening night, I had every line in the play memorized, including Dorothy’s. 

2. I have three tattoos. Actually, I have four, but one of them got combined into another one so I just count that one as one. I don’t regret any of them, and actually want to get one more, but my favorite is the one I have on my left wrist of the “H” from my mom’s signature. It’s white ink and you’d never know it was there unless I told you.

3. The summer after I graduated from high school, I got an entire head full of braids. It took THIRTEEN HOURS. I was wearing a lot of baggy clothes a la TLC at the time and listening to R&B music, so I thought the braids made me legit, but really, people just called me Yoyo behind my back. They lasted for a week. Then my head started to itch and I took them out.

4. I love being alone. No, I mean I LOVE being alone. All by myself, in silence, with nothing to do or everything to do….doesn’t matter, as long as I am alone. Nothing is more reviving to my sanity and my spirit.

5. I was a Soul Train Dancer for one episode. No, I am not a particularly good dancer. See #3.

6. Bridget Jones Diary, The Great Gatsby and The Catcher in the Rye are the only books I have ever read twice.

7. I waitressed for 11 years. By the end of that “career”, I was burned out and bitter, but in hindsight, I know that is the only industry in which I actually belong. Restaurants feel like home to me.

8. When I was little, I wanted braces SO bad that I used to bend paper clips and wear them around on my teeth  till they jabbed my gums and made them bleed. I would also take the rubber bands from my friends’ braces and wrap them around my teeth to try and make them crooked so I could get braces. I never got them.

9. I went to 20+ New Kids on the Block concerts from 1990 – 1995 and managed to meet all the boys, separately and never once in a sane or respectable manner. I was hardcore. Also, I was going to marry Donnie Wahlberg…one of many questionable preferences I held in my youth…(see again #3…)

10. Sometimes,  I like to take a slice of American Cheese and spread crunchy peanut butter on it. Then, I roll it up like a taquito and eat it like a boss. No wonder I had to go on weight watchers. I’m gross.

11.  I rarely wear a coat, even when it’s freezing. I just hate extra layers and how coats are all bulky and restricting and my hair gets caught in them in the back.

Ashley’s Questions for Me

1. What is your favorite Disney movie? I was hemming and hawing between Finding Nemo and Monsters Inc. and then I realized it’s not even a contest. Finding Nemo wins, hands down for a million reasons, Dory being not the least of them.

2. Have you ever broken a bone? I have not!

3. Are you a dog person or a cat person? I am a dog person through and through. I am not a cat hater by any means. I have a soft spot for all my furry friends, I just don’t really jive with their aloof nature. Dogs are dorks, and shameless, and loving, and just so, so wonderful. Dogs are better than humans.

4. What are you afraid of?  I’m afraid of a lot of things, most of which are out of my control. I’m afraid of feeling just a little bit sad forever, I’m afraid of regrets, I’m afraid of feeling like I wasted time, I’m afraid of never finding the “me” I know is inside of me, I’m afraid of never getting to move somewhere warm, which I want more than almost anything, I’m afraid of never feeling satisfied. Heavy, I know. sorry.

5. What is the most expensive thing in your closet? A leather bag that my dad got for me for Christmas right before I moved to NY for the first time. it’s seriously cool…way too cool for me, and whenever I use it, I feel like a sham, but it’s gorgeous. It’s black with metal studs all over it and unfinished edges.

6. Have you ever had super short hair? I supposed you don’t mean when I was 6 and trying to be exactly like my cousin Jami so I chopped my waist length hair into a bowl cut that looked so cute on her but made me look like a little boy? anyway, as an “adult”, yes. I think I was 21? And skinny……god I was skinny. Dammit.

7. What is your favorite dessert? Crème brulle….

8. Which was cooler...N'Sync or Backstreet Boys? N’Sync. Was there ever a question?

9. What is your dream vacation destination? My dream dream is French Polynesia….anywhere over there. Fiji, Bora Bora, whatev. I’m not picky….I may never get there though, so closer to home, I’m dreaming about St.Lucia, Aruba, St. Maarten.

10. Can you play an instrument? I can play my ipod :)

11. If you were stranded on a deserted island and only had two music cd's, what would they be? The Madding Crowd by Nine Days because they are my boys and I love them with my heart and that CD was one of the most definite turning points in my whole life, and also, a random, smooth jazz cd for when I get stressed out…although, now that I am thinking about it, being alone, stranded on a deserted island, why would I be stressed out?

My Questions for the Friends I Tag

1. If you could choose one food that you could eat for the rest of your life with reckless abandon and never gain an ounce from it, what would it be?
2. What is the most memorable book you’ve ever read? (Alternately, which book that you’ve read has made the biggest impact on your life?)

3. What is your favorite vacation you’ve ever taken?

4. What is your favorite article of clothing that you own? (Bonus points for posting a picture of you wearing it!)

5. What blogger that you’ve never met do you think would be your BFF in real life and why?

6. What is the next trip you plan to take?

7. If you could spend the day with one person, living or dead, who would it be?

8. Have you ever eaten a bug, by accident or on purpose?

9. What is your favorite holiday?

10. What is one quote that you find inspiring or motivating?

11.  Where do you do most of your shopping (besides Costco :)?

I’m tagging Skye, Dana, Amanda, Daina and Jess