one more time, with feeling...

So...I am super torn right now re: diet and exercise. On the one hand, as I’ve mentioned many a time, I feel gross. I am sluggish, I eat nothing but crap, I drink too much wine (and sometimes vodka if the wine is out. there, I said it.) and I haven’t seen the inside of my gym in 2 months. An object at rest stays at rest and blah blah blah (Shout Out! What’s up Sheldon Cooper?? Ba-Zing-Ga!)…

I want to feel better, I do, with all my heart and soul…..but then two little voices inside my head are all “but it’s the holidays. Are you insane? Just unbutton your pants, let your gut breathe and drink till you’re jolly you lazy little thing. Exercise and Self Restraint are what January is for!” and then voice #2 chimes in “But the Mayans say the world is ending in 2 weeks anyway. Do you really want to spend your last days on earth eating sprouts and exercising?? Eff that noise. Just eff it in the A!”

Obviously, I do not really believe The Mayan thing, but one never really knows, does she?  And as you can probably tell, I’ll basically cash in on any excuse, no matter how absurd, to eat a steady diet of french fries with ranch and boxed wine. I’m klassy that way.

What I’m saying is, there is basically zero chance of me clombering my fat ass back on the wagon before Mr. Claus arrives. I have thought about it…..lots. This morning, I even looked up what time my gym opens and made an imaginary itinerary of my day so that I could squeeze in a workout before work….of course, I’d have to get up at FOUR THIRTY IN THE MORNING to make that happen and if I’m being honest, there’s a better chance that The Mayans are right about Decmeber 21^st so….there’s that.

BUT, after Christmas? I’m afraid it’s back on. I am both hating the thought and weirdly excited. I need this.  I don’t know how I am going to stay upright all day when I have to get up at 4:30 in the GD morning, I don’t know how I am going to refrain from chewing off my own arm before 10am when I am forcing myself to eat nothing but egg whites & twigs and most of all, I don’t know how I am going to function without my nightly binge on cheap pinot but, guys? I’m on the cusp of a very, very nasty birthday ( I am not naming numbers, but if you feel you must make guesses, don’t say them out loud. Or I will not hesitate to full on ugly cry. and cut you.) And if I approach this birthday looking like a beluga whale…

(you’re welcome)

well, I’m afraid it might just send me over the edge. I already decided all I want for gifts is another round of Botox and a fat syringe of Radiesse in my marionette lines….I’m not handling this aging thing gracefully.

So….I don’t know the point of this post. Mostly I think it’s to whine about how I really hate dieting and exercising but I have to do it and I don’t want to and wah wah wah…but maybe it’s also a little bit so I have a sense of accountability? Like here I am, telling the world (population: 145) that I feel gross and want to feel better, that I am getting older than I ever thought I would be and I want to change my attitude about that and prove to myself that I really can do this once and for all and maybe slide gracefully into this next decade of my life (Gulp. Vomit. Gulp.) instead of dragging in, all lethargic, out of breath and pissy. It’s no small project. Which is precisely why I think I need to spend the next couple of weeks gearing up by eating as many onion rings as possible….

And wine…pass that box of vino, would ya?

p.s. I am kidding about the onion rings, but I am not kidding about the New Years Resolution. 

p.p.s. sort of

p.p.s.s. what's the hold up ont hat wine, huh? 

this and that...

The Sandy 15….

That’s what I heard it called on z100 this morning. The Sandy 15….like the Freshman 15 I guess only more tragic. At least I’m not alone, at least I know that there is just something about a natural disaster that makes all self control fly right out the window and almost every last one of us dive head first into a bag of enchilada flavored Doritos…..

Oh wait….the Doritos incident was yesterday…..the storm was last Monday….what’s that you say? I have no more excuses? Omg I cannot be stopped. I am so disgusting. What is my problem? Seriously. All motivation is gone. I think the hibernation effect produced by not having electricity for 5 days combined with the time change, the cold weather and imminent long, frigid winter has turned me into the ultimate sloth….I’d like to say I’m ok with it…like hey, what’s a few bags of cheetos and a case of wine on this long road we call life? It’s winter after all! As members of the animal kingdom, it would be unnatural for us humans not to pack on a few more pounds when winter is approaching in the name of insulation….I mean won’t I be glad I wolfed down that whole melting pint of haagen dazs in one fell swoop in the event that we are struck by the next Ice Age this year….or something? Did somebody say my point is not valid because of global warming? Shut up, Al Gore. Pass me a spoon.

I lost 10 lbs on that soup diet I did a few weeks ago and I felt AWESOME the entire time….I felt like I could take on the world…energetic, healthy, positive, inspired….and then the shit hit the fan and….well…..this is a cry for help.

I can’t blame it on Sandy anymore, I have to get off my ever expanding ass, get back on the soup diet, get back in the gym (the little voice in my head says "But now? Why now?? It's almost thanksgiving for crying out loud! And Veteran's Day is in 6 days! That is traditionally a big eating holiday, no? What about Christmas????? My girl Ree will be so upset if I don't make her cinnamon rolls (and eat half a pan mysef)...") ...

Death to the little voice, I say. I feel like a turd.

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Hey!!! Does anybody know about any super fun holiday blog swaps going on this year? If you do, please leave me some suggestions in the comments! I had so much fun last year doing Raven & Lindsey's's Glitz Who Stole Christmas swap, I'd love to do some more this year! So far, I am signed up for a super fun ornament swap hosted by Erin & Jessah but I'd love to do a couple more. point me in the right direction, ladies!

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Did you vote? I did. I was out there at 6 freakin' 15 in the morning with the fate of this free nation resting squarely on my shoulders (drama.). I live in a blue state, so chances are pretty good that whether I dragged my ass out of bed with the birds this morning and went to vote or not, New York will go blue, and I'm stoked about that. Still, especially in this election where everything seems to be so running so close, I felt it was even more important than ever just to make sure my small, whispering voice was heard. There are some very important issues hanging in the balance this year folks and the candidates could not have more differing views on these issues. Go vote. But only if you're voting for my guy....KIDDING. I'm just kidding. Relax.....vote regardless. It's more important than ever.

In related news, am I the only one who feels like they have to get to the polls as early as possible in order to make their vote "count"? I know that's stupid, but my husband was all "why don't you just go vote when you get home later instead of getting up at 6am like a mental patient?" and I was all "no. what is the point of voting when half the precincts already reported and the state has already been called?"....am I right or am I right? I mean, I know i'm not technically right. even the votes that come in at 8:59pm have to count, but....oh whatever ok? I never claimed to make sense.

I would like to make one small complaint about my polling place though....no stickers?? Come on people. What's up with that? We all know the only reason I vote is to get the sticker.

The 7 day soup diet

 

Yes people, I’ve done flipped my lid.   I know you’ve all heard the urban legend of this Cabbage Soup Diet, haven’t you? It is sheer absurdity, and as well you know, Absurdity is my middle name so last week, when I had a small scale meltdown over my outfit for Saturday & decided I hated the VS jeans I got cuz they were “too distressed” and that I wanted to make my life a living hell wear something a little more elegant while remaining somewhat urban chic (wtf?), I chugged a bottle of wine, sobbed my way around the internet and ended up buying a pair of Gap “forever straight” jeans, sight unseen, fingers and toes crossed.   Why do I do this to myself? Every single time. It’s exhausting.   So, whilst waiting for these jeans to arrive and lamenting to any dear friend who would listen, my girl Andi stepped up to the plate and offered to mail me some of her Big Star jeans all the way from Denver….never one to scoff at options, I pretty much begged her to hightail it to the post office. And she did. Cuz my true friends in life, they feed my delusions. Love you Andipants!!   Except then? A sort of tragic thing happened….Friday night rolled around, and I drank another bottle of wine (don’t judge me.) and then at like 10:00, I said to Scott “you know what sounds good? PIZZA!” and he was all “you wanna get one??” and this was after we already ate sushi for dinner like 4 hours earlier, mind you, but the bottle of wine in me said HELLS TO THE YES and then it was done. And we demolished an entire pizza except for one sad little slice. And it was the best pizza I ever ate. Until the next day, when all 3 pairs of jeans arrived in the mail and I wanted to kill myself.    Needless to say, it was a disaster and I realized that drastic times call for drastic measures so I headed to the wine store supermarket and spent about $76 on basically nothing but raw vegetables. And I spent the rest of my wild and wooly Saturday night drinking more wine and whipping up a batch of The Solution To All The World’s problems….   I'm doing this version. Today is Day 4. Bananas and skim milk. And soup, of course. Always with the soup.   Would you believe me if I told you I haven’t cheated once?? Good, cuz I’d be lying if I said that. I have no will power when it comes to goldfish crackers. Goldfish are my kryptonite. But besides a small, daily cracker binge, I’ve been on the straight and narrow! And…….hold on to the wall….I’m gonna say it….I actually feel incredible! I know. I hate admitting it as much as you hate reading it, but it’s the truth. I feel lighter, my pants aren’t stabbing me, I feel rested and energetic….dammit all to hell, who is this person? I don’t know if it’s due to the wine strike (horrors.) or all the freakin’ vegetation I am consuming, but whatever it is, it’s working for me…..not enough to forgo the wine this weekend though…ohhhh no. Don’t worry your pretty little faces about that… I will be Instagramming this mess, sloshed, from my padded cell. Promise.   So, this silly Cabbage Soup Diet gets a big thumbs up from me. What gets a big thumbs down is my perpetual Post Event Panic over any and every minute detail that nobody will notice but me, especially in the dark.   Currently stressing over:  

• Do I really think I am going to be able to clip in and style my own extensions without looking like a crack whore?
• My spike necklace is too long and gets lost in my cleavage but I don’t have a shorter chain for it... 
• What color am I going to paint my nails?
• Which one of these two rings should I wear? Not both, because obviously. But are either of them right? gah!

circle necklace here   :   spike necklace here  :  rings from old navy (!)

• I ordered this gorgeous top yesterday….isn’t it amazing? But will it arrive in time? With my luck, it will show up on Monday. Or Saturday at 4:32, two minutes after we leave to get the train. One thing is, I’ve been emailing with their customer service trying to get the shipping upgraded and they are so amazing to work with….doesn’t mean my top’s going to come in time, but does mean at least I’m smiling about it. Through the tears.

• What if, even after 7 days of nothing but vegetables, bananas, skim milk and soup that tastes like lava, the jeans still give me a gross muffin top?

Call the whole thing off!

(Pass me the Cabernet…)

coming january 2013......

The real me!

Ok, NOT to go all rose colored glasses, hippy dippy, glass half full optimistic on you cuz clearly, with the way I’ve been lately, you’d think this blog had been hijacked, but I’ve been doing some thinking….

Last night, I rolled into my driveway and took out my gorgeous erin condren planner that I ordered for myself at the end of last year to celebrate a new beginning after I made my first appointment with the therapist . Still sitting in the car while Ben caught some extra z’s in the backseat, I went through the entire year, writing down every Sunday what my “goal” is, basing it on a 2lb./week average. I can hear you doing the math in your head. Stop. Just stop. It’s ugly. And it doesn’t matter, anyway because it’s over.

All my life….at least since that awkward age when I became aware of fashion and style and aware of how painfully I was lacking, aware of how I was always taller than the other girls, in the back row of class pictures and the drill team, aware that my best friend in high school who stole all the boys I liked from me was tiny and cute and weighed 100lbs and I….did not….ever since then, though I was never able to execute it, I knew there was a style that belonged to me. I knew it belonged to me, because my mom pulled it off so effortlessly and she? In case you didn’t know, was perfect.  She reminded everyone of Goldie Hawn, Kate Hudson…she had an effortless, ethereal, boho vibe before it was the thing to have. She had boxes and boxes of jewelry that I now own that sits in my closet because I don’t feel cool enough to wear it.

So, I’m working on a project. A project of utmost importance. A project to find the real me. She’s in there. And she's just like her mother. I can see her, barely, but she’s there, peeking out from underneath a pile of shitty clothes from kohl’s, a bag of Doritos and a venti caramel frappucino, extra whip. She's wearing a white gauze maxi skirt, sandals, some funky tie dye, racer back camisole, a couple of delicate necklaces of varied length. She's carrying a floppy hobo bag that doesn't quite match with a wrist full of string, leather and gold bracelets, hoop earrings, big sunglasses, a perfect tan and a smile on her face.

And she is scheduled to arrive sometime shortly after the holidays, which, admittedly seem very, very far away, but it’s just a year. just one, little year till I get to meet her and I haven’t been this excited since I was waiting to meet my son.

weight watchers: points "PLUS" they say....

They make it sound like WHOA!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE EATING YOUR FACE OFF ON THIS DIET.

I am here to tell you right now that the marketing ploy is genius, but it is a giant pile of crapola. First of all, make no mistake about it; I am not a small girl. It’s ok. I own it. What I do not want to own anymore is the baby weight and then some that I never took off due to depression/avoidance/denial/anxiety/apathy (should I go on? I could do this all day…).

Right before I got pregnant, I was the healthiest I had been in a long time…maybe ever. I was running…and excited about it! I was looking up races, setting goals, feeling inspired! The weekend after those 2 lines showed up, I was down in D.C. running a 5k with my girlfriends, looking good, feeling great, genuinely HAPPY. And then? I started spotting. And, due to my history of basically not being able to make babies stick, the doctor told me I shouldn’t run anymore. And so I didn’t. And looking back, I can pinpoint that as exactly when the depression started.

Long story short, I haven’t run since. Nor have I stopped eating. I have pretty much been chewing nonstop since May 2010. I am an embarrassment to myself and, once he realizes it, will also be to my little boy, who deserves to have a healthy, beautiful, strong mother that can run after him and pick him up and swing him around in her arms. He deserves, when I am gone, to be able to look back to his baby pictures and see photos of us together, not just photos of him and his dad because I would rather die than be photographed. Completely eliminating myself from my family's memories. Not awesome.

So, I joined weight watchers.

And so far? I hate it. (I am just being bitter and mean because I am hungry)

I hate that I have to do this. Right now, day 4, I am in the mentality of hating everything. Especially my body. I hate my thyroid for having Hashimoto’s and not working right, ever. I hate my metabolism for being a piece of shit. I hate my out of whack brain chemicals for making me depressed and anxious and unmotivated. I hate that I love food and that a glorious, steaming plate of eggs benedict makes me happier than almost anything. I hate myself for all the time I’ve lost and the (potential) happiness I sacrificed. I hate that there are other people who have it so easy. It’s not fair. There, I said it. and I know I sound like a big whiny cry baby, but I’m just hungry. And I’m going to stay hungry, until I am done with this battle, once and for all, because I am sick of thinking about it and sick of talking about it and sick of buying clothes in tiny sizes and daydreaming about how much better life will be when they fit. God, shutUP, you know?

So anyway, here I am. If you listen carefully, you can hear my stomach growling. I will, obviously, continue to bitch about update you on the process.

In other news, to make myself feel better, I bought myself a brand new duvet cover and shams for spring from The Company Store. I really love their prints, but I am not all that jazzed that most of their printed sheets have a scratchy 200TC….I’m a sheet snob, tis true. Regardless, I’m going to use this gorgeous thing with my wonderful 1000TC grey sheets I got for my birthday that I have yet to take out of their package and I could not be more excited. Do you love it?

We also got the print order from Ben’s first birthday shoot we did back in December and Oh! Muh! Gawd!!!!!! Are these photos ever amazing! I can’t wait to frame them and I really want to do up a photo wall in the house somewhere, I just need to figure out where… I THINK I am allowed to post the ones I purchased the rights to, but I am saving that for another day because they deserve their own spotlight. They are incredible.

In the meantime, join me in hanging in there? 2 ½ more days till a 3 day weekend, people!