so back a few months ago when i was all in nursery-crazed mode, daydreaming of my sweet baby boy coming home straight from the hospital and falling right asleep all snugged out in his fuzzy jams, on his back like a good boy, in his crib all night long, i was sure that the Most Important Thing in The World was getting his room all ready, decorated and perfect. forget about reading the parenting books and learning that chances are, my baby wouldn’t be sleeping in his crib (or sleeping at all, really) for many, many weeks or reading the breasfeeding books to learn how to make sure your baby is latching properly and you are doing everything you can to maximize your supply. no way. all of that was way too overwhelming. sometimes i would even come unglued reading Baby Bargains. the ‘reality’ was just too much to face…and anyway, who really cares about all of that ‘reality’ stuff anyway? i knew that the imperative thing…the one thing that would make everything else fall into place seamlessly was making sure that room was perfect, immaculate and totally, totally cute. i had my priorities straight for sure. </sarcasm>
well, like it or not, that old bastard Reality is the boss of us. our first night home from the hospital, New Years Eve, was surprisingly not spent standing in front of the TV at 12:00, watching the ball drop, holding our sweet, brand new little sleeping baby in our arms, kisses all around and toasting a glass of bubbly to a future so amazing and so perfect it would make anybody who was watching us vomit on the spot….no, we ushered the new year in with the hubs and i frantically dragging Every. Single. Contraption. that we had down from the monkey’s room to the main floor. he tried the swing. he screamed. he tried the bouncy seat. he hated it. we put him in his bassinet. what a joke. with absolutely zero available floor space left in our tiny living room, and teetering on the verge of a full out panic attack, i grabbed him, screaming (both of us.), out of the useless pack n’ play and took him upstairs by myself. i nursed him in that glider i had to have that i researched when i should have been reading the breasfeeding books, covered with the perfectly matching blanket that i bought online when i should have been giving myself pop quizzes on ‘the baby whisperer’ and i sobbed. i heard fireworks going off outside and i cried even harder. i cried so hard in that room that night at midnight with my little boy in my arms, that i thought i would never stop. i loved him so much i was sure my heart was going to burst….he was the most perfect thing i had ever been blessed enough to see with my own eyes, and he was helpless. and i was in charge of protecting him and making the right decisions for him and teaching him and shaping him and meanwhile, i couldn’t even get him to stop crying and go to sleep. i knew i would never, never be good enough. i have no idea how long i sat there crying, staring through tear filled eyes at a blurry vision of the most amazing person this world has ever known, overwhelmed with a love that words could never adequately describe and, simultaneously completely consumed and borderline suicidal with grief over MY life that had instantly changed forever and was obviously not going to follow the strict plan and guidelines that 9 months of daydreams had had me believe.
those post partum hormones are no joke, people. make a note of it.
every single day things improved just a tiny bit…sometimes the improvement was barely noticeable, but now, 3 days shy of 3 months old, he is a totally different baby than he was when we rang in 2011 together in the glider, his little head covered in gossamer fuzz and his mommy’s tears….he is laughing at me and smiling all the time, even when he’s got this cold that none of us can seem to shake. he’s mellow and happy, chubby and content. still every bit as perfect if not MORE so if that is even possible….BUT he has never, never slept in his own room…not for a nap and certainly not for a whole night….this nursery that was THE most important thing. Ha.
i will admit that we have had some awesome moments together that we never would have gotten to experience if ben was one of those imaginary textbook babies who went to bed in his crib from day one. i am certain that when we made the transition at 6 weeks from him sleeping every night on my chest to sleeping swaddled in his rock n' play, i was the one who suffered the separation anxiety, not him. and then there is this. it doesn't get any more precious than this.
in the midst of the decorating whirlwind that was my 3rd trimester, i discovered a real gem in Ink Tree Press . i ordered ben the most beautiful ABC print that coordinated perfectly with his bedding (of course. because everybody knows that babies will magically sleep through the night at 2 weeks old as long as their beddingm atches their wall art, right?). i'm pretty obsessed with it and with her whole etsy shop. in fact, the 2nd print i ordered from her just arrived and was actually the inspiration for the title of this blog. she color matched (shutup.) the new print with the ABC print i already had and let me tell you something.....both prints hanging together on his light blue walls make me so happy i could just skip.....although not quite as happy as i would be if my baby would just sleep through the night....but not in his own room. i'm just not ready for that yet.
isn't it gorgeous? go order one for yourself too!!!
i am so thankful it's friday! picking the monkey up from school on fridays is just the best part of my whole week. i always tell him when i'm putting him in the car how excited i am that we get to spend the whole weekend together! not to make you barf again, but i am so lucky....i mean, look at this face that i get to squish for 2 whole days straight!
these little hands i get to hold all night long...
have an awesome weekend, everybody...may we all get some much needed rest!