2012

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i tend to be an all or nothing person. all or nothing, black and white....as in the fact that i already ate  157 goldfish crackers, half a box of colby cheezits and 3 glasses of wine and we are on our way to hooters for dinner means that 2012 is basically shot and i should just wait it out till 2013 and try again...

this is precisely the attitude i need to kick in order to be successful...successful in fitting into my skinny jeans and successful in being happy. it is such a remote concept to me.

i always thought it felt more appropriate to turn over a new leaf, wipe the slate clean and whatever other cliches are out there, on your birthday...."the new year" is so universal...so impersonal. the day after your birthday belongs only to YOU. well, you and all the other people who share your birthday, but it's personal. maybe that's why i have a hard time sticking to new years resolutions.....of course, i haven't exactly had a great deal of success sticking to resolutions i thought of on my birthdays either.....so much for that idea...

the recipe for me that is a catalyst for change comes out of the blue. it is a perfect storm of excitement, blind hope, something to look forward to, being sick and tired of being sick and tired. it will strike on a tuesday afternoon after i have bought tickets to a concert 4 months away and really, really want to look cute or when i just am sick of chewing. eating can be exhausting and downright boring when you've done enough of it.

maybe that's another reason why january 1st is such a popular day for the institution of changes. people are just sick of gorging. sick of chocolate and gravy and pumpkin pie and alcohol and latkes and all things holiday. we are craving lettuce and seltzer and fresh raspberries....me? i'm waiting for my kid to wake up from a nap so we can go get wings.......

hopeless.

this year didn't feel like new years at all to me. did it to you? i mean, it really, really didn't feel like it. way more so than when you go back to work after a 3 day  weekend and spend the whole day going "it totally feels like monday!". we were watching new years rockin' eve...the next thing you know i was in bed and by 9:45, i was fast asleep not to be seen or heard from till 6:20am. oblivious to fireworks, oblivious to dropping balls....(hahahahah...i said "dropping balls!"). i don't know how to explain it, it just feels weird.

i have an appointment tomorrow night with the crazy doctor. by that, i don't mean that the doctor is crazy, i mean that i am going to see the docor for crazy people. people like me.  although, she may well be crazy too. you can be sure i'll let you know. i haven't been feeling like talking the last few days. hopefully she can get something out of me that is useful. i hope to eat more healthfully. i hope to fit into something cute by the time summer rolls around. i also know that that level of ambiguity doesn't work too great for me. if i want to see changes, i need to get passionate...and actually, i feel kind of blah....

here is to hoping 2012 lights a fire under my ass....

my 2012 "resolutions" are few and far between. most are resolutions i am all too familiar with, that i wouldn't keep making had i ever been successful with them in the past, but i resurrect them nonetheless because to me, they continue to be important....

get healthy, in body, mind and spirit. lose weight for love of god (what is that thing i keep reading on pinterest? "never give up on something you think about every single day"? yeah. this is that thing. i am so sick of thinking about it. so sick of making excuses for it. so sick of making excuses BECAUSE of it. enough. stop eating crap. stop drinking wine. get off your ass and run. it's not hard it's just inconvenient. cry me a river.). teach your son important things. play with him more. read more. drink less. forgive. be patient. be kind.

so will i follow through on these "resolutions"? i will try. it's more of a continuation to try. i hope we can all be easy on ourselves and forgive if we slip up. try again. admit we need help....i know i do.

but right now? i also know i am going out for wings...

happy 2012!