some days....

 some days are made for slow wagon rides in the sun...just a boy and his daddy.

With arms wide open
under the sunlight
welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
with arms wide open
now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
with arms wide open

~Creed

wordless wednesday. it's about time I stopped yapping...

seriously, with all the whining i've been doing lately, i realized that with today being wednesday, some wordlessness was definitely in order....

so today, in as few words as possible, i bring you so much cuteness your heart might explode...

i'll take 'sweetest little boy in the world' for $2000, alex!

watch out ken jennings, this kid is amping up to steal the throne...

coming january 2013......

The real me!

Ok, NOT to go all rose colored glasses, hippy dippy, glass half full optimistic on you cuz clearly, with the way I’ve been lately, you’d think this blog had been hijacked, but I’ve been doing some thinking….

Last night, I rolled into my driveway and took out my gorgeous erin condren planner that I ordered for myself at the end of last year to celebrate a new beginning after I made my first appointment with the therapist . Still sitting in the car while Ben caught some extra z’s in the backseat, I went through the entire year, writing down every Sunday what my “goal” is, basing it on a 2lb./week average. I can hear you doing the math in your head. Stop. Just stop. It’s ugly. And it doesn’t matter, anyway because it’s over.

All my life….at least since that awkward age when I became aware of fashion and style and aware of how painfully I was lacking, aware of how I was always taller than the other girls, in the back row of class pictures and the drill team, aware that my best friend in high school who stole all the boys I liked from me was tiny and cute and weighed 100lbs and I….did not….ever since then, though I was never able to execute it, I knew there was a style that belonged to me. I knew it belonged to me, because my mom pulled it off so effortlessly and she? In case you didn’t know, was perfect.  She reminded everyone of Goldie Hawn, Kate Hudson…she had an effortless, ethereal, boho vibe before it was the thing to have. She had boxes and boxes of jewelry that I now own that sits in my closet because I don’t feel cool enough to wear it.

So, I’m working on a project. A project of utmost importance. A project to find the real me. She’s in there. And she's just like her mother. I can see her, barely, but she’s there, peeking out from underneath a pile of shitty clothes from kohl’s, a bag of Doritos and a venti caramel frappucino, extra whip. She's wearing a white gauze maxi skirt, sandals, some funky tie dye, racer back camisole, a couple of delicate necklaces of varied length. She's carrying a floppy hobo bag that doesn't quite match with a wrist full of string, leather and gold bracelets, hoop earrings, big sunglasses, a perfect tan and a smile on her face.

And she is scheduled to arrive sometime shortly after the holidays, which, admittedly seem very, very far away, but it’s just a year. just one, little year till I get to meet her and I haven’t been this excited since I was waiting to meet my son.

weight watchers: points "PLUS" they say....

They make it sound like WHOA!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE EATING YOUR FACE OFF ON THIS DIET.

I am here to tell you right now that the marketing ploy is genius, but it is a giant pile of crapola. First of all, make no mistake about it; I am not a small girl. It’s ok. I own it. What I do not want to own anymore is the baby weight and then some that I never took off due to depression/avoidance/denial/anxiety/apathy (should I go on? I could do this all day…).

Right before I got pregnant, I was the healthiest I had been in a long time…maybe ever. I was running…and excited about it! I was looking up races, setting goals, feeling inspired! The weekend after those 2 lines showed up, I was down in D.C. running a 5k with my girlfriends, looking good, feeling great, genuinely HAPPY. And then? I started spotting. And, due to my history of basically not being able to make babies stick, the doctor told me I shouldn’t run anymore. And so I didn’t. And looking back, I can pinpoint that as exactly when the depression started.

Long story short, I haven’t run since. Nor have I stopped eating. I have pretty much been chewing nonstop since May 2010. I am an embarrassment to myself and, once he realizes it, will also be to my little boy, who deserves to have a healthy, beautiful, strong mother that can run after him and pick him up and swing him around in her arms. He deserves, when I am gone, to be able to look back to his baby pictures and see photos of us together, not just photos of him and his dad because I would rather die than be photographed. Completely eliminating myself from my family's memories. Not awesome.

So, I joined weight watchers.

And so far? I hate it. (I am just being bitter and mean because I am hungry)

I hate that I have to do this. Right now, day 4, I am in the mentality of hating everything. Especially my body. I hate my thyroid for having Hashimoto’s and not working right, ever. I hate my metabolism for being a piece of shit. I hate my out of whack brain chemicals for making me depressed and anxious and unmotivated. I hate that I love food and that a glorious, steaming plate of eggs benedict makes me happier than almost anything. I hate myself for all the time I’ve lost and the (potential) happiness I sacrificed. I hate that there are other people who have it so easy. It’s not fair. There, I said it. and I know I sound like a big whiny cry baby, but I’m just hungry. And I’m going to stay hungry, until I am done with this battle, once and for all, because I am sick of thinking about it and sick of talking about it and sick of buying clothes in tiny sizes and daydreaming about how much better life will be when they fit. God, shutUP, you know?

So anyway, here I am. If you listen carefully, you can hear my stomach growling. I will, obviously, continue to bitch about update you on the process.

In other news, to make myself feel better, I bought myself a brand new duvet cover and shams for spring from The Company Store. I really love their prints, but I am not all that jazzed that most of their printed sheets have a scratchy 200TC….I’m a sheet snob, tis true. Regardless, I’m going to use this gorgeous thing with my wonderful 1000TC grey sheets I got for my birthday that I have yet to take out of their package and I could not be more excited. Do you love it?

We also got the print order from Ben’s first birthday shoot we did back in December and Oh! Muh! Gawd!!!!!! Are these photos ever amazing! I can’t wait to frame them and I really want to do up a photo wall in the house somewhere, I just need to figure out where… I THINK I am allowed to post the ones I purchased the rights to, but I am saving that for another day because they deserve their own spotlight. They are incredible.

In the meantime, join me in hanging in there? 2 ½ more days till a 3 day weekend, people!

things that are happy

“I feel like a long a tailed cat in a room full of rockers…”

~my friend Kathy

I wish I could take credit for that quote. It’s about the most awesome thing I ever heard, truly.

The other day, after my particularly pathetic and whiny post, I started feeling like I should maybe make a separate, private blog where all I do is whine and complain and cry and detail the every nuance of my depression and angst. Because really, who wants to read about that? Why am I putting my emotional vomit out there for all the world (or all the 6 of you) to see? Is it not my duty, if I am at all able, to spew whatever positivity and light I can muster out into this world that is already so fraught with despair? Nobody likes a sad-sack and deep down, I just want to be liked.

But then, the other little voice in my head (yes, there are a few voices. Add it to the list of things for which I need to be medicated) said it’s YOUR blog! And these are YOUR feelings! And this is YOUR story! And maybe one day, after years of therapy and millions of hugs and kisses from the sweet boy and hopefully, a new address with the zip code of someplace warm and inspiring, someone who is just beginning her journey, who is hurting and confused will find her way here, and know that if I can get through this, so can she….or, at the very least, I can look back at my carefully chosen words and feel like my emotions found a place to rest. That’s enough for me. So I know that, especially lately, my posts haven’t been entirely uplifting, filled with pretty pictures and happy crap.  Bear with me while I work this out.

In case you’re not following the dramz on Instagram, Benny had an accident yesterday, because when it rains, it pours, right? Being not so steady on his new legs, he took a little spill whilst trying to stick his head in the toilet (or something?) and slipped, hitting his bottom lip on the toilet seat and knocking his little jaw shut right down on his tongue. I picked him up to comfort him and quickly realized that I was covered in blood, which I then discovered was coming from his tongue, which he almost bit clear through and basically, I lost it. He’s better today, much better, but yesterday was a rough one, full of tears (from both of us) and an exorbitant amount of kisses and cuddles and ice pops. There is NOTHING worse than seeing your baby in pain. Nothing.

On that note, I thought today I would just try and think of some things that are happy so…

Things That Are Happy

• I am going out for dinner and wine tonight with my friend Michele. Much needed. Love this girl.

• Saturday, Benny and I have the whole afternoon to ourselves while Scott goes to a hockey game and we are going to have a good time….plans TBD
• My friend Jack is at work today. I love this guy. He has the sweetest heart.

• I am pretty sure I am going to get on the Weight Watchers bandwagon. I need direction and accountability. I have lost focus and I feel like shit. It’s time to take at least a small step in the right direction.
• To celebrate that, I am going to buy myself a new denim jacket and this dress which I am obsessed with. Maybe with my trusty old gold gladiators for the first hot day of spring? Are gladiators so 3 years ago or am I still ok to wear them? Yay for yellow!!

• I am pretty sure my February birchbox will be in my mailbox when I get home tonight!
• It’s Thursday, which means tomorrow is Friday, which is awesome. duh. I think this week went pretty fast!
• I’m wearing my favorite sweater today. and earrings. That never happens.
• I heard on the radio gossip segment this morning that Us! Magazine is doing an expose on Courtney from The Bachelor and I am really excited. I probably won’t actually read it, but I WILL flip through it in the grocery store and I hope they take that bitch down. Honestly. She is horrid.. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the pieces of dirt they have on her is that she has an entire closet of coats made from puppy skin and ladybug wings or something.

That’s all I got.

remember when i was sick?

Well, guess who is sick now?

Naturally. And, if the gallons of drool are any indication, also cutting some mean molars. So we’re dealing with a poor little boy who’s got blotches of eczema all over his head, a gnarly teething rash on his chin and cheeks, a chapped upper lip from momma constantly wiping off the insane amounts of snot that he sneezes out about once every 10 minutes. And drool. More drool that you can even imagine. Itchy, watery eyes, a sad little cough and yet? He is still in decent (all things considered) spirits, which is more than we can say for his mother.

When I was pregnant, I had the strangest food aversion…it wasn’t really so much an aversion as just a total lack of appetite. I didn’t feel sick, and I still felt hunger, I just didn’t want to eat. I mean, it didn’t stop me from eating…have you met me? But I ran through the entire list of the world’s foods in my head and not a single one of them made me feel all “oh YES!  I want that!”. Not even Chipotle. And that is pregnant lady blasphemy. Obviously, I still managed to gain an ungodly amount of weight that I can’t find the motivation to lose, but that’s another story for another time….

The reason I am bringing this up when it is sort of random and out of the blue is because I was thinking just now about how I feel emotionally lately. I thought I was doing a lot better on the meds and the therapy, but in the last couple of weeks, I sort of feel like I am regressing, and it’s twice as disheartening as it was before because now my head is saying “god, you’re medicated and you’re still fucked up. Might as well throw in the towel.” So the closet thing I could think of to explain how my soul is feeling these days was to compare how I felt about food while I was pregnant.  I don’t know, it made sense in my head, but now I am realizing it’s kind of a bizarre comparison. The connection in my head lies somewhere with the idea of being empty, but feeling totally apathetic about filling the void.

I feel trapped. And I feel sad. And I feel angry. And I feel resentful of other peoples’ accomplishments and happiness and I hate that because that is not who I am in my heart, but I feel like I am locked in this cage and the key is lost, or if it’s not lost, I sure as shit don’t have access to it. I don’t do well with being trapped. I never have. All my life, the more trapped I’ve been, the meaner I felt and the more desperate I got to run away, and right now, I feel just as trapped, if not more so, than I have ever felt, except the difference is that this time, I can’t run away because I have a little boy who needs me, and I need him, because he is the LOVE of my life….I just….I just don’t know what to do.

I just subscribed to this blog this morning that it seems like I am the last person on earth to discover and it is amazing and inspiring and it is everything I wish I could live. It is the perfect picture of what my heart is meant to feel. I know that. And I want it so desperately. And I am so in awe of this woman and her beautiful girls and her family and her outlook and I KNOW that happiness was hard won for them and they are fighting battles that I will never even glimpse and here I am, whining and crying like an asshole….I read this and I think how dare I?  But there is a disconnect in my head between what she is prescribing and what I am able to put into action right now in my life and I am so resentful of that. I hate myself for not being able to read her words and see her pictures and just say “YES!!! This is how I am going to live it!” and from that moment on, just do it! And have life immediately turn from these colorless  frames of blur to vibrant, sharp, consecutive moments of glee. I just can’t figure out how to do that when I am trapped in this tiny, cold, metal cage with no room to spread my wings and no key.

i'm sick

like throat so sore i can barely swallow, head feels like my skull might explode, need 20 more hours of sleep, trading hot tea for my morning coffee (blasphemy.) and calling this pack of Halls my lunch type of sick.

i don't get sick often. i have no idea if i am full of baloney, but i like to thank my jacked up thyroid for that. the one time i went to see the reproductive endocrinologist to try and figure out why i couldn't get a baby to stick, he spent 45 minutes explaining to me how Hashimoto's Thyroiditis is an auto-immune disease which means that basically, i have little killer cells in my body that are attacking things they think are foriegn. like babies and viruses. so that's cool about the viruses...not so cool about the babies, but we're done making those so that's a non-issue anyway. so somehow this little rat bastard slipped through the cracks and now i'm feeling all sorts of cruddy.

if i am not well enough by sunday to eat my buffalo chicken dip, it's not going to be pretty.

over the hump

hi.

i'm alive.

i know, it's been a few days...things are a little weird over here. it's february, so the way i see it, winter is almost over and i refuse to say out loud what i'm thinking (hoping...) but just to give you a hint i'll quickly mention that it's supposed to be SIXTY here today. i told you, weird things.

and that little groundhog f$@#er better decide to stick around tomorrow morning cuz i am not in the market for winter showing up late and loud either. that's all i am going to say about that. read between the lines.

a few more weird things....guess who is walking???

sort of. i mean, he is, but it's still about a 97/3 split. 97% being the amount of time he prefers to crawl...but he was going at it like a wild man last night....and then, he got so excited he couldn't fall asleep, slept like hell all night long and, well, i've been up since 4am fighting off angry voices in my head and some very scary thoughts that i haven't heard heads nor tails from since i started the crazy pills. not an old friend i missed, i can say that for sure...so i've got some phonecalls to make. right now i just feel like i have sand under my eyelids and that quesy feeling in the pit of my stomach. that feeling born of insufficient sleep and oversufficient stress. he's really, really cute and i sure do love him but holy SHIZZNIT, that kid could use some sleeping lessons.

this was all done with mirrors.

i'm doing the february photo a day challenge on instagram! are you?? i am commited! follow me! my user name is rach_loveyoumore. speaking of february....29 days this year. see? weird.

i've got something else i want to talk about too, i just have to figure out how i want to put it into words. it's about my kid playing favorites. and it's not making me feel too hot lately. save up your thoughts, cuz i'm gonna need a little support...

i am feeling positive about one thing though....the buffalo chicken dip i am making on sunday! oh thank god i was able to turn this post around...i was feeling like a real sad sack there for a minute. everybody makes it a little differently...it would be timely of me to make a big batch tonight and post "my" version tomorrow, complete with pics, but um...i'm not even going to pretend that if i did that, i wouldn't eat the whole entire freakin' pan of it and then be sick....and also, i am home alone with the sleepless monkey tonight while the hubs is out galivanting with my ex-imaginary boyfriend...long story....so i'll be late to the party as usual and probably be discussing that little scrumptious number sometime around tuesday or so....maybe...god, what day is it even? i am a total zombie.

so uh...go giants? zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.................