They make it sound like WHOA!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE EATING YOUR FACE OFF ON THIS DIET.
I am here to tell you right now that the marketing ploy is genius, but it is a giant pile of crapola. First of all, make no mistake about it; I am not a small girl. It’s ok. I own it. What I do not want to own anymore is the baby weight and then some that I never took off due to depression/avoidance/denial/anxiety/apathy (should I go on? I could do this all day…).
Right before I got pregnant, I was the healthiest I had been in a long time…maybe ever. I was running…and excited about it! I was looking up races, setting goals, feeling inspired! The weekend after those 2 lines showed up, I was down in D.C. running a 5k with my girlfriends, looking good, feeling great, genuinely HAPPY. And then? I started spotting. And, due to my history of basically not being able to make babies stick, the doctor told me I shouldn’t run anymore. And so I didn’t. And looking back, I can pinpoint that as exactly when the depression started.
Long story short, I haven’t run since. Nor have I stopped eating. I have pretty much been chewing nonstop since May 2010. I am an embarrassment to myself and, once he realizes it, will also be to my little boy, who deserves to have a healthy, beautiful, strong mother that can run after him and pick him up and swing him around in her arms. He deserves, when I am gone, to be able to look back to his baby pictures and see photos of us together, not just photos of him and his dad because I would rather die than be photographed. Completely eliminating myself from my family's memories. Not awesome.
So, I joined weight watchers.
And so far? I hate it. (I am just being bitter and mean because I am hungry)
I hate that I have to do this. Right now, day 4, I am in the mentality of hating everything. Especially my body. I hate my thyroid for having Hashimoto’s and not working right, ever. I hate my metabolism for being a piece of shit. I hate my out of whack brain chemicals for making me depressed and anxious and unmotivated. I hate that I love food and that a glorious, steaming plate of eggs benedict makes me happier than almost anything. I hate myself for all the time I’ve lost and the (potential) happiness I sacrificed. I hate that there are other people who have it so easy. It’s not fair. There, I said it. and I know I sound like a big whiny cry baby, but I’m just hungry. And I’m going to stay hungry, until I am done with this battle, once and for all, because I am sick of thinking about it and sick of talking about it and sick of buying clothes in tiny sizes and daydreaming about how much better life will be when they fit. God, shutUP, you know?
So anyway, here I am. If you listen carefully, you can hear my stomach growling. I will, obviously,
continue to bitch about update you on the process.
In other news, to make myself feel better, I bought myself a brand new duvet cover and shams for spring from The Company Store. I really love their prints, but I am not all that jazzed that most of their printed sheets have a scratchy 200TC….I’m a sheet snob, tis true. Regardless, I’m going to use this gorgeous thing with my wonderful 1000TC grey sheets I got for my birthday that I have yet to take out of their package and I could not be more excited. Do you love it?
We also got the print order from Ben’s first birthday shoot we did back in December and Oh! Muh! Gawd!!!!!! Are these photos ever amazing! I can’t wait to frame them and I really want to do up a photo wall in the house somewhere, I just need to figure out where… I THINK I am allowed to post the ones I purchased the rights to, but I am saving that for another day because they deserve their own spotlight. They are incredible.
In the meantime, join me in hanging in there? 2 ½ more days till a 3 day weekend, people!