Tuesday, February 7, 2012

remember when i was sick?

Well, guess who is sick now?

Naturally. And, if the gallons of drool are any indication, also cutting some mean molars. So we’re dealing with a poor little boy who’s got blotches of eczema all over his head, a gnarly teething rash on his chin and cheeks, a chapped upper lip from momma constantly wiping off the insane amounts of snot that he sneezes out about once every 10 minutes. And drool. More drool that you can even imagine. Itchy, watery eyes, a sad little cough and yet? He is still in decent (all things considered) spirits, which is more than we can say for his mother.

When I was pregnant, I had the strangest food aversion…it wasn’t really so much an aversion as just a total lack of appetite. I didn’t feel sick, and I still felt hunger, I just didn’t want to eat. I mean, it didn’t stop me from eating…have you met me? But I ran through the entire list of the world’s foods in my head and not a single one of them made me feel all “oh YES!  I want that!”. Not even Chipotle. And that is pregnant lady blasphemy. Obviously, I still managed to gain an ungodly amount of weight that I can’t find the motivation to lose, but that’s another story for another time….

The reason I am bringing this up when it is sort of random and out of the blue is because I was thinking just now about how I feel emotionally lately. I thought I was doing a lot better on the meds and the therapy, but in the last couple of weeks, I sort of feel like I am regressing, and it’s twice as disheartening as it was before because now my head is saying “god, you’re medicated and you’re still fucked up. Might as well throw in the towel.” So the closet thing I could think of to explain how my soul is feeling these days was to compare how I felt about food while I was pregnant.  I don’t know, it made sense in my head, but now I am realizing it’s kind of a bizarre comparison. The connection in my head lies somewhere with the idea of being empty, but feeling totally apathetic about filling the void.

I feel trapped. And I feel sad. And I feel angry. And I feel resentful of other peoples’ accomplishments and happiness and I hate that because that is not who I am in my heart, but I feel like I am locked in this cage and the key is lost, or if it’s not lost, I sure as shit don’t have access to it. I don’t do well with being trapped. I never have. All my life, the more trapped I’ve been, the meaner I felt and the more desperate I got to run away, and right now, I feel just as trapped, if not more so, than I have ever felt, except the difference is that this time, I can’t run away because I have a little boy who needs me, and I need him, because he is the LOVE of my life….I just….I just don’t know what to do.

I just subscribed to this blog this morning that it seems like I am the last person on earth to discover and it is amazing and inspiring and it is everything I wish I could live. It is the perfect picture of what my heart is meant to feel. I know that. And I want it so desperately. And I am so in awe of this woman and her beautiful girls and her family and her outlook and I KNOW that happiness was hard won for them and they are fighting battles that I will never even glimpse and here I am, whining and crying like an asshole….I read this and I think how dare I?  But there is a disconnect in my head between what she is prescribing and what I am able to put into action right now in my life and I am so resentful of that. I hate myself for not being able to read her words and see her pictures and just say “YES!!! This is how I am going to live it!” and from that moment on, just do it! And have life immediately turn from these colorless  frames of blur to vibrant, sharp, consecutive moments of glee. I just can’t figure out how to do that when I am trapped in this tiny, cold, metal cage with no room to spread my wings and no key.


Anonymous said...

Damnit, I've been sitting on your page for over an hour now. I started constructing my response before clicking the link to Enjoying the Small Things, and then I got sucked in to their story.
First off, you may be in need of a med modification. You're in the early stages of of the prescription and most likely still needing to work out the right dosage.
Secondly, just because something is written on the internet does not mean it is the full truth. Everyone, including you and me, puts out on our blogs, facebook, twitter, etc what we want others to know. We construct a self that isn't necessarily not us, but it's not completely us either. There are quite a few people that are truly happy, but never doubt for a second that they have days where their happy blog life isn't reflective of the pain, bitterness, or hurt they're experiencing.
So many times I feel that depression or anxiety or being in ruts is like an addiction. We have to want to change and be ready to commit to that change in order for it to work. If I had a nickel, even just a penny, for every time I thought to myself that I am going to make the change and just be happy, let's just say I wouldn't be needing the second job.
Eventually the bars on the cage will start to distance themselves, the lock will start to jiggle, and you'll have moments of pure flight. Once you get to a point where you can let yourself be happy, it will be like learning any new skill. It will take some time before the happiness outweighs the sad, caged feelings, but it will be worth it.
Just as in recovery, you have to accept the stumbles and not let them set you back. Dust yourself off, allow that moment or period of sadness, and remember that the sun will rise tomorrow on a new day filled with infinite possibilities for hope and happiness.
Life's a learning process that we never master. Just keep breathing and know that your moment of change will happen and you'll know that it has.
Until that moment, focus on everything you love, even the little details of which others are unaware.

P.S. Thank you for forcing me to rewrite several sentences so that they don't end with a preposition ;) You make me a better writer.

noreenmarie said...

Wow, I couldn't have said it better myself.
I do agree that you probably need to increase the dose. I'd get on that as soon as you can.

But you also have to remember how long you've been unhappy...it's been a long time, right? Turning the corner takes time and no one is ever completely always happy. Like the above person said, people only let us see what they WANT us to see. Everyone has their own struggles, their own demons that they must get past, no one is perfect. That's exactly why we are here-to learn and grow and figure ourselves out. Don't give up, you're way too beautiful inside and out. Love you. xoxo

Skye said...

I am sorry you are going through this - it can not be easy. I'm sure you have someone to talk to about your medications, etc.... I hope you do but I think part of it is also going through different feelings and emotions. What do I know then again? I hope you can feel better soon. Sorry your son is sick - that just sucks! Sick babies break my heart!

"Enjoying the small things" was one of the big reasons I started blogging and taking tons of pictures documenting every part of my child's life. She is amazing, her kids are amazing and so is her blog. I think she even has a book out soon....