The 7 day soup diet

 

Yes people, I’ve done flipped my lid.   I know you’ve all heard the urban legend of this Cabbage Soup Diet, haven’t you? It is sheer absurdity, and as well you know, Absurdity is my middle name so last week, when I had a small scale meltdown over my outfit for Saturday & decided I hated the VS jeans I got cuz they were “too distressed” and that I wanted to make my life a living hell wear something a little more elegant while remaining somewhat urban chic (wtf?), I chugged a bottle of wine, sobbed my way around the internet and ended up buying a pair of Gap “forever straight” jeans, sight unseen, fingers and toes crossed.   Why do I do this to myself? Every single time. It’s exhausting.   So, whilst waiting for these jeans to arrive and lamenting to any dear friend who would listen, my girl Andi stepped up to the plate and offered to mail me some of her Big Star jeans all the way from Denver….never one to scoff at options, I pretty much begged her to hightail it to the post office. And she did. Cuz my true friends in life, they feed my delusions. Love you Andipants!!   Except then? A sort of tragic thing happened….Friday night rolled around, and I drank another bottle of wine (don’t judge me.) and then at like 10:00, I said to Scott “you know what sounds good? PIZZA!” and he was all “you wanna get one??” and this was after we already ate sushi for dinner like 4 hours earlier, mind you, but the bottle of wine in me said HELLS TO THE YES and then it was done. And we demolished an entire pizza except for one sad little slice. And it was the best pizza I ever ate. Until the next day, when all 3 pairs of jeans arrived in the mail and I wanted to kill myself.    Needless to say, it was a disaster and I realized that drastic times call for drastic measures so I headed to the wine store supermarket and spent about $76 on basically nothing but raw vegetables. And I spent the rest of my wild and wooly Saturday night drinking more wine and whipping up a batch of The Solution To All The World’s problems….   I'm doing this version. Today is Day 4. Bananas and skim milk. And soup, of course. Always with the soup.   Would you believe me if I told you I haven’t cheated once?? Good, cuz I’d be lying if I said that. I have no will power when it comes to goldfish crackers. Goldfish are my kryptonite. But besides a small, daily cracker binge, I’ve been on the straight and narrow! And…….hold on to the wall….I’m gonna say it….I actually feel incredible! I know. I hate admitting it as much as you hate reading it, but it’s the truth. I feel lighter, my pants aren’t stabbing me, I feel rested and energetic….dammit all to hell, who is this person? I don’t know if it’s due to the wine strike (horrors.) or all the freakin’ vegetation I am consuming, but whatever it is, it’s working for me…..not enough to forgo the wine this weekend though…ohhhh no. Don’t worry your pretty little faces about that… I will be Instagramming this mess, sloshed, from my padded cell. Promise.   So, this silly Cabbage Soup Diet gets a big thumbs up from me. What gets a big thumbs down is my perpetual Post Event Panic over any and every minute detail that nobody will notice but me, especially in the dark.   Currently stressing over:  

• Do I really think I am going to be able to clip in and style my own extensions without looking like a crack whore?
• My spike necklace is too long and gets lost in my cleavage but I don’t have a shorter chain for it... 
• What color am I going to paint my nails?
• Which one of these two rings should I wear? Not both, because obviously. But are either of them right? gah!

circle necklace here   :   spike necklace here  :  rings from old navy (!)

• I ordered this gorgeous top yesterday….isn’t it amazing? But will it arrive in time? With my luck, it will show up on Monday. Or Saturday at 4:32, two minutes after we leave to get the train. One thing is, I’ve been emailing with their customer service trying to get the shipping upgraded and they are so amazing to work with….doesn’t mean my top’s going to come in time, but does mean at least I’m smiling about it. Through the tears.

• What if, even after 7 days of nothing but vegetables, bananas, skim milk and soup that tastes like lava, the jeans still give me a gross muffin top?

Call the whole thing off!

(Pass me the Cabernet…)