one more time, with feeling...

So...I am super torn right now re: diet and exercise. On the one hand, as I’ve mentioned many a time, I feel gross. I am sluggish, I eat nothing but crap, I drink too much wine (and sometimes vodka if the wine is out. there, I said it.) and I haven’t seen the inside of my gym in 2 months. An object at rest stays at rest and blah blah blah (Shout Out! What’s up Sheldon Cooper?? Ba-Zing-Ga!)…

I want to feel better, I do, with all my heart and soul…..but then two little voices inside my head are all “but it’s the holidays. Are you insane? Just unbutton your pants, let your gut breathe and drink till you’re jolly you lazy little thing. Exercise and Self Restraint are what January is for!” and then voice #2 chimes in “But the Mayans say the world is ending in 2 weeks anyway. Do you really want to spend your last days on earth eating sprouts and exercising?? Eff that noise. Just eff it in the A!”

Obviously, I do not really believe The Mayan thing, but one never really knows, does she?  And as you can probably tell, I’ll basically cash in on any excuse, no matter how absurd, to eat a steady diet of french fries with ranch and boxed wine. I’m klassy that way.

What I’m saying is, there is basically zero chance of me clombering my fat ass back on the wagon before Mr. Claus arrives. I have thought about it…..lots. This morning, I even looked up what time my gym opens and made an imaginary itinerary of my day so that I could squeeze in a workout before work….of course, I’d have to get up at FOUR THIRTY IN THE MORNING to make that happen and if I’m being honest, there’s a better chance that The Mayans are right about Decmeber 21^st so….there’s that.

BUT, after Christmas? I’m afraid it’s back on. I am both hating the thought and weirdly excited. I need this.  I don’t know how I am going to stay upright all day when I have to get up at 4:30 in the GD morning, I don’t know how I am going to refrain from chewing off my own arm before 10am when I am forcing myself to eat nothing but egg whites & twigs and most of all, I don’t know how I am going to function without my nightly binge on cheap pinot but, guys? I’m on the cusp of a very, very nasty birthday ( I am not naming numbers, but if you feel you must make guesses, don’t say them out loud. Or I will not hesitate to full on ugly cry. and cut you.) And if I approach this birthday looking like a beluga whale…

(you’re welcome)

well, I’m afraid it might just send me over the edge. I already decided all I want for gifts is another round of Botox and a fat syringe of Radiesse in my marionette lines….I’m not handling this aging thing gracefully.

So….I don’t know the point of this post. Mostly I think it’s to whine about how I really hate dieting and exercising but I have to do it and I don’t want to and wah wah wah…but maybe it’s also a little bit so I have a sense of accountability? Like here I am, telling the world (population: 145) that I feel gross and want to feel better, that I am getting older than I ever thought I would be and I want to change my attitude about that and prove to myself that I really can do this once and for all and maybe slide gracefully into this next decade of my life (Gulp. Vomit. Gulp.) instead of dragging in, all lethargic, out of breath and pissy. It’s no small project. Which is precisely why I think I need to spend the next couple of weeks gearing up by eating as many onion rings as possible….

And wine…pass that box of vino, would ya?

p.s. I am kidding about the onion rings, but I am not kidding about the New Years Resolution. 

p.p.s. sort of

p.p.s.s. what's the hold up ont hat wine, huh?