good morning.

this is the face i wake up to every day...the face that belongs to my favorite boy, who loves bananas and pears and his momma. i am the luckiest.

 i'm linking this pic (my first ever link up!) up with a very cool new photo challenge at Love, Luci . it's celebrating All Things Babies and i am very excited to participate!!

our easter sunday was wonderful. full of spring cleaning, baseball watching and, after winter that seemed never-ending, finally getting a chance to check on the progress of my day lilies (pitiful) and relax in the sun. ben, my poor, sweet december baby with skin the color of an aspirin didn't quite know what to do with the warm weather and had to be soothed with frozen washcloths on his little cheeks after 20 minutes in the shade led to a meltdown of epic proportions...BUT it was awesome. and i was thankful. and blessed.

it's a SUPER busy week. we have our annual cinco de mayo party this weekend and i haven't prepped a stinkin' thing. i have lists a mile long with nary a checkmark on them and not the first clue how i think i am actually going to pull this off. i am very lucky to have two of my besties flying in to help squeeze limes and change diapers (not at the same time, thankfully) but my blogging might fall a little to the wayside for the next few days...not to worry...i got ben a sombrero and the post-party pics and recipes will be a plenty! stay tuned! and keep your fingers crossed for a sunny, sunny day saturday!

happy easter!

ben got his first easter basket fromt he E.B. this morning, no doubt charmed by their meeting last week at the mall. he loved his striped rabbit, was unimpressed with 'pat the bunny' and seemed to really be getting into 'the velveteen rabbit' but then i lost it and started crying when the skin horse was explaining how toys become real so we had to put that away to finish later.

also, i just found this photo challenge for MULTICOLORED over at The Paper Mama so i thought i would join the party!

mom. seriously. get this rabbit off my head.

first laughs

it's true what they say that there is no sweeter sound in the world than your baby's first laugh....i was giving ben a bath last night and i decided to try out his little squirty bath toys for the first time cuz he seemed ready and my reward?  was awesome.

wordless(ish) wednesdays

i was going to write a post about why we call the monkey ben vereen (even though there really is no logical explanation) but i knew it was bound to get annoyingly verbose and to be honest, i just don't have the endorphins right now to be the person i need to be to write that post.

the last few days have been really hard. i'm feeling very overwhelmed, extremely anxious and mad. i'm crying all the time. i know i need to call a doctor and talk to somebody about this and i actually did the other day, but i got the machine and i didn't leave a message. anyway, whatever. even through this stupid sadness that's suffocating me at the moment, this little boy still brings me a happiness the depths of which i never knew existed and for that, i am ever thankful.

this is already way too many words for wordless wednesday.

here he is, testing out his highchair for the first time last night! he is the most beautiful thing. i swear he is. when he smiles like that, my heart physically hurts.

i'm pretty sure his heart physically hurts the same way when he sees a bowl of mashed bananas.

god i love this boy.

if i smile all cute and charming like this, can i have more bananas mom?

a mother's prayer

i saw this posted on one of my forums this morning and it had me simultaneously in both tears and hysterics....i love the tina fey, even though i am a little peeved at her at the moment for jumping ship on the sisterhood of the 'one & done's when she was once so outspoken. she made me feel like if there were ever some kind of 'west side story' style swordfight between the super-breeders and those of us who are quite satisfied (and sufficiently exhausted, thanks!) with our singular spawn, she would have my back...now i'm just sort of flailing...but i digress...

a mother's prayer for it's child
by tina fey
from her book bossypants

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.”
-Tina Fey

the obligatory easter bunny meet & greet

today, we donned our finest threads and set out to meet that germ infested, rather terrifying spring icon that is the mall easter bunny.

it went better than i expected...ben fell asleep in the car on the way there (something new!) and slept through the whole line.

 i had to wake him up right before it was our turn so he probably thinks the whole experience was some kind of really disturbing nightmare because he fell back asleep almost immediately after it was over. he's still sleeping. poor kid.

you want me to sit where, mom? oh HELL no....

all things considered, i think the trip was a success...i'm fairly certain our first meeting with santa claus is going to go much less smoothly......

meeting the easter bunny is exhausting...i think i'll just close my eyes for a minute here and rest...

sick baby, take 2

ben is sick again. he’s got a terrible cough that makes him so angry he screams in frustration at the end of every coughing fit. he’s going to the doctor this afternoon, but until he’s back to his old tricks, he’s not really been in the mood for pictures or merriment in general.

i am so over him being sick. my poor baby. i wonder if he even remembers what it’s like to feel well. i just want us to be able to focus on happy things, being together, playing, laughing, practicing his rolling over and eating bananas. instead, our nights for the last month have been spent calming him down and coaxing him into falling  asleep on us just so he feels secure and protected. i feel like other babies, WELL babies, are getting so many more opportunities to practice reaching their milestones. i don’t understand how he’ll ever be able to sit on his own or roll over or sleep in his own crib if we have to spend all of our time together treating him with the nebulizer and holding him until he falls asleep because when he is sleeping is the only time he’s not coughing.

my heart is broken.

i blame all of this on daycare. i HATE daycare. i am so angry and i have so much guilt and frustration that my poor little guy has to spend 40 hours a week in a germ infested petrie dish of diptheria just because of the crappy economy in this country and the collapse of the housing market.

do NOT get me started.

i have enough pent up anger over this topic i could punch somebody  in the face. my child is essentially being raised by people who don’t love him because we can’t sell our co-op. how screwed up is that?  i can’t. honestly. i feel sick to my stomach every time i think about it, so instead i pretend like daycare is awesome and he’s learning social skills and having fun with his buddies. like this was my choice. i lie to him and call it ‘school’. it makes me feel like an asshole and the world’s shittiest mother.

in any case, we will be seeing the pediatrician AGAIN this afternoon. i remember looking at the schedule of visits when we were going in every 4 days for weight checks right after he was born and they were threatening hospitalization if he didn’t bulk up (ha!). i remember thinking how great it was going to be when we finally got to go two whole months between his 2 month and 4 month well visits. what a joke. we’re averaging a visit pretty much once every 12 days. and what is a well visit anyway?

at least he has his sophie. i never thought she would catch on, but out of nowhere, he has started clinging to her where once he was totally ambivalent. when he is chewing on his fists, which is his latest favorite past time (really. he can almost get the whole thing in his mouth now. it’s pretty impressive), i can hand him sophie and, enamored, he will wrap his tiny, soft hands around her neck, stick her ears in his mouth and happily slobber away.

my sweet boy.

this is the view i have on my drive home every day….my heart explodes into a hundred million pieces every time i turn around to take a peek…..please get well little buddy….

wordless{ish} wednesdays

the monkey is getting bigger and more handsome every day...

i've given up.

it's just how i feel lately. i'm not sure if this is mostly due to this lingering sickness that is going on 4 weeks or what. probably 50/50 with this new baby person in my life but i totally feel like shit. i feel fat and unhealthy, lazy and completely unmotivated to do anything to change it. i feel guilty taking time to do anything for myself, but if i'm being honest, i really don't care enough to make the effort to do anything for myself anyway. it's not that the hubs begrudges me that either. i'm lucky. i see so many new moms talking about how unhelpful their husbands are and how they are doing everything themselves and i can't even imagine how much WORSE i would feel if that was the case. scott does SO much. and still i sit in a lump like a lazy ass, in sweats all the time cuz that's all that first me, my roots growing out, my eyebrows rampant, cuticles amock and forget about my split ends...just forget about them....the mere thought of the effort it would take to fix all of these things is simply exhausting. the only thing i can manage to do is eat cadbury cream eggs and hide in the bathroom flipping through victoria's secret catalogs wishing i could still fit in something....anything...

i was doing so well. i had so many goals. i was so excited and motivated and inspired. i was going to run more 5Ks....10Ks....i was going to be THAT girl...the one with the 13.1 sticker on the back of her car that i speed up next to on 495 just to i can take a peek at the person i want to be...

instead of bouncing back, i've turned into a hater. well....i mean, let's be honest, i've kind of always been a hater, but now i'm just unabashedly hating. like, i was watching house hunters today and this woman was on with her husband looking for a 2nd home in puerto rico with a $750K budget. if that's not enough of a reason to be pissed off, she was perfect. all cute and tan and fit, wearing this little flippy skirt and a strappy tank with biceps like jennifer aniston and it turned out they had 3 kids and all of the sudden my blood was boiling and i started making up excuses that obviously she was some gold digging slut who married this guy that obviously had family money and of course she probably doesn't work and gets to stay home all day on her treadmill while a nanny raises her kids so why wouldn't she be perfect? asshole. i still think those things are probably true. and instead of being all "poor her. she's missing so much life experience!" (what?) i hated her. i still hate her. i told you i'm a hater.

there's no point to this post. i'm just feeling sorry for myself. i just want to feel better....but first i want to WANT to feel better....it's just that the list of all the things it would take to bring me to the place i wish i was already at is so long and so overwhelming that i can't even fathom knowing where to begin. a winning lottery ticket is really the only way...or 12 extra hours in ever day....

crap. wahhhhhhhhhhh. wah.

don't tell the pediatrician

i seriously don't know what my problem is. i know i don't want my little boy to grow up, but i am so excited for him to start eating solids i can hardly control myself. i was mooshing up microscopic chunks of banana on my finger and sticking it in his mouth at 6 weeks. at 7 weeks, i let him gum my apple core. i just want to see him experiencing flavors for the first time. i can't wait to go strawberry picking with him and watch him moosh peaches out of his mouth in the summertime....and i know all of this means his poop is going to stink even worse than it does now, which, after the gift he left me this morning is seriously hard to imagine, but i'm up for the challenge.....

so the "requirements" for starting your baby on cereal are that he be a "supported sitter" which ben definitely is, even though he still flops over in the bumbo. also, that he be at least 15 lbs. check! my little chunker is 15lb 8oz (90%) (after this morning's poop though, he's probably back to his birth weight....) (sorry for not updating after his 3 month weight check last week. i'm STILL sick and not sleeping. it really zaps all of the motivation and creativity out of my every pore. i hate it.). and being 4 months old....well, whatever. rules are made to be broken. he watches us with interest when we eat, he's pretty much lost his tongue thrust reflex and summer is getting closer every day!!!! gotta get this little boy ready for bbq ribs and potato salad and hot dogs!!!!!! (kidding. relax.)

i think he did pretty great!

p.s. how did i become the mom who blogs about her baby's poop. 7 posts in. awesome.