sick baby, take 2

ben is sick again. he’s got a terrible cough that makes him so angry he screams in frustration at the end of every coughing fit. he’s going to the doctor this afternoon, but until he’s back to his old tricks, he’s not really been in the mood for pictures or merriment in general.

i am so over him being sick. my poor baby. i wonder if he even remembers what it’s like to feel well. i just want us to be able to focus on happy things, being together, playing, laughing, practicing his rolling over and eating bananas. instead, our nights for the last month have been spent calming him down and coaxing him into falling  asleep on us just so he feels secure and protected. i feel like other babies, WELL babies, are getting so many more opportunities to practice reaching their milestones. i don’t understand how he’ll ever be able to sit on his own or roll over or sleep in his own crib if we have to spend all of our time together treating him with the nebulizer and holding him until he falls asleep because when he is sleeping is the only time he’s not coughing.

my heart is broken.

i blame all of this on daycare. i HATE daycare. i am so angry and i have so much guilt and frustration that my poor little guy has to spend 40 hours a week in a germ infested petrie dish of diptheria just because of the crappy economy in this country and the collapse of the housing market.

do NOT get me started.

i have enough pent up anger over this topic i could punch somebody  in the face. my child is essentially being raised by people who don’t love him because we can’t sell our co-op. how screwed up is that?  i can’t. honestly. i feel sick to my stomach every time i think about it, so instead i pretend like daycare is awesome and he’s learning social skills and having fun with his buddies. like this was my choice. i lie to him and call it ‘school’. it makes me feel like an asshole and the world’s shittiest mother.

in any case, we will be seeing the pediatrician AGAIN this afternoon. i remember looking at the schedule of visits when we were going in every 4 days for weight checks right after he was born and they were threatening hospitalization if he didn’t bulk up (ha!). i remember thinking how great it was going to be when we finally got to go two whole months between his 2 month and 4 month well visits. what a joke. we’re averaging a visit pretty much once every 12 days. and what is a well visit anyway?

at least he has his sophie. i never thought she would catch on, but out of nowhere, he has started clinging to her where once he was totally ambivalent. when he is chewing on his fists, which is his latest favorite past time (really. he can almost get the whole thing in his mouth now. it’s pretty impressive), i can hand him sophie and, enamored, he will wrap his tiny, soft hands around her neck, stick her ears in his mouth and happily slobber away.

my sweet boy.

this is the view i have on my drive home every day….my heart explodes into a hundred million pieces every time i turn around to take a peek…..please get well little buddy….