i've given up.

it's just how i feel lately. i'm not sure if this is mostly due to this lingering sickness that is going on 4 weeks or what. probably 50/50 with this new baby person in my life but i totally feel like shit. i feel fat and unhealthy, lazy and completely unmotivated to do anything to change it. i feel guilty taking time to do anything for myself, but if i'm being honest, i really don't care enough to make the effort to do anything for myself anyway. it's not that the hubs begrudges me that either. i'm lucky. i see so many new moms talking about how unhelpful their husbands are and how they are doing everything themselves and i can't even imagine how much WORSE i would feel if that was the case. scott does SO much. and still i sit in a lump like a lazy ass, in sweats all the time cuz that's all that first me, my roots growing out, my eyebrows rampant, cuticles amock and forget about my split ends...just forget about them....the mere thought of the effort it would take to fix all of these things is simply exhausting. the only thing i can manage to do is eat cadbury cream eggs and hide in the bathroom flipping through victoria's secret catalogs wishing i could still fit in something....anything...

i was doing so well. i had so many goals. i was so excited and motivated and inspired. i was going to run more 5Ks....10Ks....i was going to be THAT girl...the one with the 13.1 sticker on the back of her car that i speed up next to on 495 just to i can take a peek at the person i want to be...

instead of bouncing back, i've turned into a hater. well....i mean, let's be honest, i've kind of always been a hater, but now i'm just unabashedly hating. like, i was watching house hunters today and this woman was on with her husband looking for a 2nd home in puerto rico with a $750K budget. if that's not enough of a reason to be pissed off, she was perfect. all cute and tan and fit, wearing this little flippy skirt and a strappy tank with biceps like jennifer aniston and it turned out they had 3 kids and all of the sudden my blood was boiling and i started making up excuses that obviously she was some gold digging slut who married this guy that obviously had family money and of course she probably doesn't work and gets to stay home all day on her treadmill while a nanny raises her kids so why wouldn't she be perfect? asshole. i still think those things are probably true. and instead of being all "poor her. she's missing so much life experience!" (what?) i hated her. i still hate her. i told you i'm a hater.

there's no point to this post. i'm just feeling sorry for myself. i just want to feel better....but first i want to WANT to feel better....it's just that the list of all the things it would take to bring me to the place i wish i was already at is so long and so overwhelming that i can't even fathom knowing where to begin. a winning lottery ticket is really the only way...or 12 extra hours in ever day....

crap. wahhhhhhhhhhh. wah.