Friday's Letters

Dear Benny….you sweet thing….your mama loves you so much sometimes it makes me feel like I might go crazy from the enormity of it! But do us all a favor and slow down with the growing. Time is racing by and tomorrow you’ll be 16 months old….you don’t feel like a baby anymore when I hold you in my arms, you feel like a little boy and that happened literally overnight last week. Tuesday, I was holding my little baby and Wednesday, I was holding a young boy, with dangly legs and curious eyes. There aren’t words to describe what this does to my heart, so cool it, will ya? Just till my heart catches up....Dear Friday…I never believe you will actually come and miraculously, every week, you show as promised. Thank you for that. You make me happy when skies are grey. Dear Asaparagus….you’re so delicious. Especially grilled, drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with the tiniest pinch of salt and pepper but man OH MAN do you make my pee smell and for that? You’re on my list. Dear person-who-is-going-to-do-my-manicure-tonight….please do a nice job. Please don’t rush. Please don’t let me pick some stupid trendy color that I’m going to hate immediately. Thanks. Dear New CRV….I can’t wait to pick you up tomorrow, you and your cute, sparkly new little wheels and your delicious new car smell. I promise to keep you clean and love you the best I can….I already ordered you some cute little chevron striped fabric bins to keep you all organized and tidy. you deserve it…you’re so pretty. I love you already!

And last but not least…

Dear Husband…thank you for loving me. thank you for being patient with me. thank you for believing in me when I can’t believe in myself. And thank you for knowing how to haggle for a good deal on a new car, change the oil, mow the grass, open the pool and turn on the sprinklers. I love you. I haven’t said that enough lately, but I do. With all my heart.

I don't want to miss a thing...

(or why my 15 month old has never spent a single night in his crib....)
(or why i am a sucker.)

When I was pregnant, like all of us, there were things I swore I would never do. Like, SWORE. Like a teenager, I sure knew everything about everything. I was an expert. My baby would not use a pacifier. My baby would be exclusively breast fed. My baby would only eat organic foods, nothing processed, all homemade. Forever. From scratch. By me. You know, with all the free time I would have while my sweet, peaceful baby was napping. Speaking of napping, my baby would be sleep trained using Ferber at 4 months of age and I would not waver. Cry that shit out, kid. Sorry. Life’s rough.

My baby would NOT sleep in our bed, ever. This one I was really passionate about.

Except that what actually happened was that my baby was not a great sleeper. And I was exhausted. And there was that little issue of raging, undiagnosed-until-11-months-later PPD….and so all the rules I wrote in stone went out the window that New Year’s Eve night that we came home from the hospital and were up All. Night. Long listening to him scream and fuss and refuse to sleep anywhere other than my chest….so that is where he slept. For 6 weeks straight, every single night. Until my left leg started going numb from the weight of him.

True story.

So we tried out the Rock n’ Play that everyone raved about and….he screamed some more. And stuck his little swaddled legs straight up in the air, face red, totally pissed.

We broke the cardinal rule of parenting and for the next 4 months, he slept between us in our king size bed wedged in The Boppie, either mine or my husband’s hand on him throughout the entire night….

We made plans to move him to his room. We made promises. When the weather gets cooler….when the weather gets warmer….as soon as he gets over his cold….as soon as he starts sleeping better….as soon as his teething settles down….

What ended up happening is what some books call Accidental Parenting…as in oops! Benny is still sleeping in our bed, between the two of us! But i say ooops! No way am I missing out on the best thing in life! I’ve stopped making excuses and promises and I’ve started recognizing it for what it is….cherishing every second I can, reclaiming the moments that PPD stole from me. The happiest moment in my day is when I lay down next to his little, warm, snuggly sleeping body and fall asleep holding his soft little hand, his breath in my face. Someday, sooner rather than later, he is going to ask me if he can sleep in his own room, in his own bed and just like that, I’ll have to let go, and let him grow up.  I’ll have to figure out how to sleep without holding his hand. But for now….

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

I don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

~Aerosmith

Something relevant for a change

So, you can’t swing a dead cat lately without hearing the buzz about Fifty Shades of Grey….against my better judgment, and in order to qualify for free Super Saver shipping on Amazon yesterday, I surrendered to the hype and threw it in my shopping cart, but not before reading the entire preview of the first 32 pages or something and I was already aggravated, so I’m not sure why I still bought it…probably because I have FOMS*.

I’m trying to reserve judgment until I actually read the book. The entire world is obsessed with it right now so it must have some merit, but….I mean, is it me, or is the writing downright abominable? Obviously, I’m no Jodi Picoult myself so I really am in no position to judge….and again, I apologize for being a hater, and I’m only on page 32, but what would some breathtaking, big shot entrepreneur with more money than God see in this mousy, insecure, whiny hardware store employee?? I just don’t buy it…and it makes me irritable… Have you (like everyone else on this planet) read it? Do I just need to chill the eff out and give it a chance?


 *FOMS = Fear Of Missing Something, a very serious condition, obv.


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 Also, the chitter chatter about BlogHer2012 is almost as widespread as the praise for the aforementioned ridiculous book. I’m going, I think, but I’m scared. I feel like I’m going to be alone, and all of these bloggers whose blogs I read and admire are going to be running past me with their gaggle of friends and admirers and I’m gonna be standing there all “OMG, that was {insert your blog url here}!!!!!!!”.

I know I am going to feel like the dorky girl with an onion sandwich in her lunch box and a booger in her nose in elementary school that nobody will talk to but who, probably, if you just gave her a chance and an altoid, might make you laugh and would definitely have your back in a bar fight….all of this makes me wonder if I should even go and HOW STUPID IS THAT? It’s not the prom for crying out loud. The blogosphere is not a popularity contest, even though it really, really feels like it sometimes and I may never “fit in”, but I don’t blog to fit in, I blog to work out my bullshit and to become a better writer and to share my beautiful son, the best thing I ever did, and to give my words and thoughts and feelings a place to rest and I have to keep reminding myself of that because honestly, when all is said and done, don’t we all just want to be revered?

 So if you see me there, standing in the corner, staring at you with stars in my eyes, try not to automatically peg me as a creep. I probably just love your blog and am too afraid to come say hello…and I promise, there isn't an onion sandwich in my lunchbox


.

My homegirl Ambizzy-fo-shnizzy…

So, the other day, for lack of anything else to post about (because seriously? What is my problem? I am in a major blogging drought as of late and it’s not cute at all) I showed you guys a slice of my daily life in the form of my ultra-precious little guy attempting to make me want to drive my truck straight into a wall with his new Leaptop…

This is why mommies take pills, folks….

Wait, what?  you don’t take pills? That’s just me? shame….anyway….

So what to my wondering inbox did appear this morning but a comment from one of my all time faves, Amber from Bugs, Barbies & Wedded Bliss...and as usual, she did not disappoint! In fact, I give her comment the “best comment EVAR!” award because I about fell out of my chair…

"ummmmmm...I would totes shoot myself in the fizzy if that shiz was comin though my speakers in the am...homie don't play that, three snaps up in a formation. "

By Amber on any idea who lives in a shell?? on 4/19/12

Have you ever read anything so hilarious? I don't know....i pretty much loved it...She made my day…

And for that, I am pimping her out to all 7 of you, because she will crack you up on the daily and I don’t know about you all, but I can always use some cracking up…

So you should chek her out cuz her kiddies are gorgeous (they get that from their mama), she is always going on fun dates and doing cool stuff with her hubby and they are in luuuuurve, which is so sweet, but most of all, because she is my homeshizzle fo’ snizzle….

homeshizzle fo’ snizzle….

homeshizzle fo’ snizzle?

::::::::crickets::::::::

I should probably just leave the snoop dog lingo to people who are cooler than me….like Amber….LOVE this girl! And you will too!!!

Lotsa stuff in my brain today

….I’m feeling very mood swingy….like I was ok this morning when I woke up… the deciding factor on how good a start to the day it will be directly correlates to how well Ben sleeps the night before and praise the infant Jesus, last night he actually slept, well, like a baby….and that child never sleeps like a baby. Usually, a pin dropping in China will wake him up.

Anyway, so I should be skipping right? Round off back handsprings through the Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot? But then, I started feeling blue….no impetus, just blue. The PMS kind of blue, where there is no rhyme or reason, you just feel the tears welling up? I hate that. The weather outside is gorgeous, I am wearing a hot pink top, my breakfast was delicious, my kid slept awesome… WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE, HEATHER?

I need to snap out of this…..

Here’s a weird thought that just came to me…..maybe, ironically for sure, the great weather is making me panic….it sounds crazy, but stay with me…I never felt this way when I was living in California or Arizona, but here, I feel like there are really only about 5 worthwhile months of the year…the rest is just a waste of time (bad attitude, I know. I am working on it) so now that we’ve had this crazy warm spring and summer is knocking on the door, I feel so much pressure to DO! ALL! THE! THINGS!!!

Float every day….get a great tan….make sure Ben has enough sunscreen on…eat as many lobsters as possible…go to carnivals….take tons of pictures…go strawberry picking...make strawberry pie….make sure my tomatoes grow awesome and I don’t murder my cilantro like last year (sad)…find cute aviator sunglasses that don’t make me look like an asshole….farm stands…levain bakery cookies…festivals…peach cobbler from scratch and perfecting my lobster roll….afternoons at clam bar…evenings with the fireflies and a cup full of Ralph’s Italian ice…

There are just a million things to cram into spring and summer and….I’m staring out my office window and wishing I could start doing them all today!

any idea who lives in a shell??

cuz I just can't seem to figure it out..............




this is my morning commute. on the daily, pretty much. Can you even? I mean, I know this is nothing new to working moms everywhere but something about this morning's perfect storm of lack of coffee, lack of normal sleep, totally freakin' bizzare dreams and Ben's new Leaptop had me thinking this was hysterical. You know, hysterical in a totally padded cell kind of way. yeah.


ok. so that's what I've got for you all on this fine Wednesday....OH!!!! oh but I have something coming up in a little over 3 weeks that you guys are going to DIE for....really! I am so excited about it I can hardly stand keeping it a secret!! Be ready....

That's a pretty shitty hint, isn't it? Just trust me.....it is a giveaway and it is amaaaaaaaaze!!!!

an ode to salt

Salt.

 

I love it.

 

I am back in the game today, after my weekend of reckless debauchery, and the difference in how I feel physically is astounding. I never took notice of how I actually felt before when I was “dieting”…it was all about the fastest route to smaller jeans, whatever the cost…I’m still discouraged, because I am driven by results, aren’t we all? But today I feel better, and for that, I am thankful.

 

I just wanted to take a second to talk about salt….possibly my 2^nd favorite substance on earth right after wine. I love a good chocolate chip cookie, and sure, I’ll definitely have a bite of your donut, twist my arm, but my true cravings are always for greasy, salty, gooey, sinful edibles.

• Kettle chips with homemade caramelized onion dip
• Scorching hot, super salty, greasy, crispy fries (dipped in Ranch, while we’re on the subject)
• Thick sourdough toast slathered in salted butter, topped with slices of heirloom tomato and copious crunchy crystals of sea salt
• Massive amounts of melty blue cheese dripping down the side of a fat, juicy, medium rare burger on a brioche bun
• Spinach and artichoke dip with thin, crispy tortilla chips
• Cheese popcorn
• Perfect potato salad
• Grilled corn on the cob, dripping with salty, melted butter
• A giant slice of New York pizza with extra cheese
• Hot dogs that snap when you bite them, covered in yellow mustard
• Fresh, steamed lobster dipped on (you guessed it) salty, drawn butter

 

I could do this all day…..

 

And yes, I know that eating any of those things in the massive quantities which they are begging me to eat them would land me vomitous at best and hospitalized at worst however, a girl can dream….and salivate. It’s all I’ve got these days….

 

obviously,  this post was written by Adam Richman before lunch….also, here is a picture of Sweet Ben, because he is more delicious than anything every could be, no matter how salty, cheesy, gooey, crunchy or buttery….

 

 

 

p.s. PMS much?

Alka seltzer & regret (a Weight Watchers Update)

Go big or go home? I went big all right….balls to the wall, and not in a good way.

Here’s how the story went down….Weight Watchers was closed yesterday, which is the day I usually go for my weigh in and weekly meeting, so I had to weigh in on Saturday instead (here’s where the blaming starts)…of course, I couldn’t get my act together on Saturday morning and didn’t get out of the house until almost noon, so of course I had already had a gallon of coffee and some breakfast…so a day early and after a full breakfast, the receptionist chirpily informed me that I had gained two tenths of a pound.

I always knew this day would come eventually, and I fully expected it would make me want to drink bleach, but I was suprisingly ok with it...the little voice inside my head was already rattling off excuses…

Source: google.com via Rachel on Pinterest

Between my weigh in and the time we left for Passover dinner at Uncle Petey’s in Queens, something snapped and I was all f@#% THIS dumb program! I’ll show YOU two tenths of a pound! And um…..well, that’s where the downward spiral began….

Between Saturday afternoon and Sunday night, I managed to consume approximately ALL of the wine in Queens and Suffolk county (this is not a joke.) as well as an embarrassing amount of brisket, too many matzoh balls to count, chocolate drenched matzoh bark, at least 26 Reese’s miniature peanut butter cups, a ramekin of broken up, stale tortilla chips drenched in melted cheese and Frank’s Red Hot (my weakness. I never claimed to be classy), a sheet of matzoh covered in butter, a whole basket of chips with salsa and ranch (which they serve you in a soup cup, by the way) from chili’s and a grilled chicken sandwich with cheese, bacon and THREE (yes, three.) sides of honey mustard. Oh, and fries. A lot of fries.

Sometimes you have to go back and do the things you used to do to remind yourself why you stopped doing them in the first place.

I woke up this morning feeling like I got hit by an 18 wheeler. I threw down a cup of alka seltzer before I left the house and scratched and clawed my way back up the side of the wagon….the wagon that for the past few days got so far away from me, I almost couldn’t see it, but I tracked it down…..and I climbed back on and I’m here to say that the next time I try and fall off said wagon, cuz there will most certainly be a next time, I promise at least to hold on to the back bumper with one hand.

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Passover & Easter were both delightful, despite the gluttony and sloth that seemed to be my M.O….Ben had an awesome time hanging out with his cousins, the food was delicious (obviously) and the laughs were plentiful.

The Easter basket was a complete surprise and the look on Ben’s face when I walked in the room with it yesterday morning was absolutely priceless….He dug right in, went straight for the good stuff and was covered in a peanut butter & chocolate Reeseter Bunny in no time at all….yes, before breakfast. Sometimes, in the name of fun and celebration, you have to make questionable parenting decisions. That's where the good memories are made....

Hope your holidays were all happy and healthy!!!

happiness...

First of all, I found my black cardigan. I know. Thank you for your concern. Somehow, it managed to jump into the dry cleaning pile… even though it has spent it’s entire life being thrown haphazardly in the washing machine and *shudder* dried on high heat in the dryer with the rest of my normal clothes. Today, I am $4 more broke (broker? No, that can’t be right…) and my sweater feels just the same as if I had washed it in the washer. Sigh.

The other great thing is that, I have been smitten with this photo ever since I took it last weekend at the park. So, along comes the “I heart faces” photo challenge for April and the theme? Happiness. Pure, innocent, unbridled, hysterical happiness. It’s perfect, and I am honored to join the party…

wish us luck!!!

you should always have something to look forward to...

Sometimes I feel like the looking forward is really the best part…it lasts so much longer than the actual event, you know? and I realize that’s a crappy attitude to have, since tomorrow is not promised and the happiest people live in the now and blah blah blah and there is a  LOT to be said for appreciating the moment while you’re in it, absolutely, but it’s so fleeting….why does it have to be so fleeting? Namely, vacations…..vacations, and good hair days, lazy, sunny Saturdays, concerts and prefect dinners….blink and they’re over, but if you take the time to anticipate them, it’s almost like you get to live them longer. Call me crazy…

This is my current list of anticipations…

• lobster rolls in the sun
• Ben's first trip to Disneyworld
• St. Lucia
• a finished staircase & photo wall
• the 4th of July (even though it's on a Wednesday this year...)
• fresh, sun ripened strawberries and my strawberry pie
• gauze maxi skirts and sparkly sandals
• sharing a Shake Shack burger with Ben at a Mets game
• moving to Florida...or anywhere but here (as long as it's warmer and the people are nicer, cuz DAMN peeps are cranky here. yikes.)
• a new car
• the arrival of my new Clarisonic Mia (I ordered it! omg....tell me it will change my life!)
• gelato
• a trip to the wineries
• BlogHer 2012
• caprese salad made with tomatoes and basil from the back porch + local mozzarella from whole foods.
• a coastal drive up to Maine, stopping for lighthouses, Boston accents, Fenway Park and every single lobster shack along the way.

what are YOU looking forward to?