Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I don't want to miss a thing...

(or why my 15 month old has never spent a single night in his crib....)
(or why i am a sucker.)

When I was pregnant, like all of us, there were things I swore I would never do. Like, SWORE. Like a teenager, I sure knew everything about everything. I was an expert. My baby would not use a pacifier. My baby would be exclusively breast fed. My baby would only eat organic foods, nothing processed, all homemade. Forever. From scratch. By me. You know, with all the free time I would have while my sweet, peaceful baby was napping. Speaking of napping, my baby would be sleep trained using Ferber at 4 months of age and I would not waver. Cry that shit out, kid. Sorry. Life’s rough.

My baby would NOT sleep in our bed, ever. This one I was really passionate about.

Except that what actually happened was that my baby was not a great sleeper. And I was exhausted. And there was that little issue of raging, undiagnosed-until-11-months-later PPD….and so all the rules I wrote in stone went out the window that New Year’s Eve night that we came home from the hospital and were up All. Night. Long listening to him scream and fuss and refuse to sleep anywhere other than my chest….so that is where he slept. For 6 weeks straight, every single night. Until my left leg started going numb from the weight of him.

True story.

So we tried out the Rock n’ Play that everyone raved about and….he screamed some more. And stuck his little swaddled legs straight up in the air, face red, totally pissed.

We broke the cardinal rule of parenting and for the next 4 months, he slept between us in our king size bed wedged in The Boppie, either mine or my husband’s hand on him throughout the entire night….

We made plans to move him to his room. We made promises. When the weather gets cooler….when the weather gets warmer….as soon as he gets over his cold….as soon as he starts sleeping better….as soon as his teething settles down….

What ended up happening is what some books call Accidental Parenting…as in oops! Benny is still sleeping in our bed, between the two of us! But i say ooops! No way am I missing out on the best thing in life! I’ve stopped making excuses and promises and I’ve started recognizing it for what it is….cherishing every second I can, reclaiming the moments that PPD stole from me. The happiest moment in my day is when I lay down next to his little, warm, snuggly sleeping body and fall asleep holding his soft little hand, his breath in my face. Someday, sooner rather than later, he is going to ask me if he can sleep in his own room, in his own bed and just like that, I’ll have to let go, and let him grow up.  I’ll have to figure out how to sleep without holding his hand. But for now….

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

I don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time


insertwittytitleheremomstired said...

I think one of the first lessons you learn as a parent is that everything you thought you KNEW and planned to do are completely thrown out the window. Nothing is ever as it seems. And other people's advice and tips, while very well-meaning most of the time, really have no relevance to your situation. No one's parenting and situations are going to be exactly like someone else's.
I'm glad you're finding your happy moments and making up for lost time.

Amber said...

This is so sweet. Sleep with that baby and love on him all you can! Have you ever heard the song "Let Them Be Little"? It talks about letting them sleep in the middle:) Sweet little Benny Bear:))))) You are a good mama.

Ashley {hudson's happenings} said...

Sweetest post ever. I say you snuggle that sweet boy as long as he will let you. And since when do those silly parenting guidelines matter? Mother ALWAYS knows you just follow you BEAUTIFUL heart and do whatever feels right. Little Ben will turn out wonderfully, I just know it.

Bubbly said...

We all have those absolutes that go right out the window once these little terrors show up. The good thing is at some point it goes from survival to enjoyment. Snuggle that little Benny-boo as much as you can. He's totally edible.