I’m realizing as I’m reading over my Friday’s Letters that they might come off a bit hostile…and I may or may not have screamed some pretty severe profanity and umbrella-stabbing threats at the woman who honked at me when the light turned green this morning and interrupted me checking my emails. So I’m feeling stabby today. I’ll try and bring back the happy next week, folks….
Don’t piss me off today. You’re already on my sh*t list. Don’t give me the worried face when I am answering your asinine questions just a tad differently than you’d like, don’t send me into a panic over nothing like you always do and don’t even THINK about giving my son more than one shot, got it? p.s. take a good look at my sweet boy cuz we’re switching doctors after this appointment. Your office staff is from hell and you’re not far behind. Also, my PMS is raging right now, so you should probably call for reinforcements. See you at 2:45.
Dear Tomorrow’s Weather,
Thanks for being such an overachiever!!! Yes, I definitely said I like it hot but I actually don’t recall mentioning that I’d like to be able to poach an egg in my swimming pool…but hey, maybe I did. Who knows…I drink a lot of wine.
Dear 2lbs. I lost,
So help me god, if you mysteriously show up again and bring a pile of friends with you just in time for my WW meeting Sunday morning like you have been doing for 8 weeks now (plateau much?), you’re going to be sorry. I'll eat nothing but rice cakes dipped in Sriracha for a week. I’ll show you who’s boss.
Please hurry up. I am dying to get my paws on you! Plus, I have a lot of things to plan! And by a lot of things, I pretty much just mean I need to transfer over my birthday wish list and decorate October 13th with glitter and hearts. So hurry. That stuff is muy importante.
Get your act together. I’ve been gentle and forgiving with you for long enough, it’s time to get serious. I’m not asking for miracles here, all I want is a little effort. I’m not sure why you’ve lost all motivation….nothing has changed. There are still big events on the horizon and when they roll around and you’re still tossing the same 4lbs back and forth, all your clothes look terrible not matter what ridiculous pose you twist yourself into and you beat yourself up for not taking this seriously months ago, there will be tears, like there always have been. Why?? Why not just make the sacrifices once and for all and allow yourself to be happy? Think about it.
I think we should talk. Maybe our breakup was a little premature. I mean, look how much fun we have together!!!
And last but not least…
Tomorrow is your wedding!! To your baby daddy and all around awesome dude…the love you have been waiting for and the love that you DESERVE. I am over-the-moon happy for you, my sweet firend, and I can think of no one who deserves this wonderful life that is unfolding more than you…I wish I could be there to kiss you both! I love you, girl!!
‘til next week my friends….unless I melt first.