Tuesday, July 24, 2012

i've got a case of the sadz. again.

I can’t figure out the reason behind them….those are the worst kinds of sadz. At least if I could pinpoint a reason, I could work on making it better, but the Mystery Sadz? There’s no cure. I just have to wait them out and try not to let them eat me whole. I’m going on 3 days now. I’m struggling with whether or not I should call my therapist and add an extra appointment, have my meds adjusted, cry on her shoulder…or whether I should just wait it out, tell myself everybody struggles from time to time and I just need to put on my big girl panties and stop being a whiny little bitch. Especially since there’s no reason for this.

I’m bored.
I’m unmotivated.
I feel like a failure because I am letting my goals slip away from me, shrouded in apathy.
I’m homesick.
I have IBD.
My commute makes me want to drink nail polish remover on the daily.
I’m lonely.
I feel like my wings are clipped.
I don’t want to do anything other than lay around.

I don’t want to make dinner, I don’t want to work out, I don’t want to do the laundry, I don’t want to grocery shop, I don’t even want to call and make appointments to get my hair done. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to make like Sleeping Beauty, prick my finger on a spindle or whatever the heck she pricked her finger on, fall into a deep sleep for 100 years (God, sleeping for 100 years sounds like the most amazing thing I have ever heard) and wake up to……to what? A whole different set of things to bitch about? God, shutUP, Rachel. Seriously.

But I can’t help it. When the sadz get me, they get me good. I just want MORE….more in my daily life, more adventure, more excitement, more things to look forward to, to be hopeful about, more spontaneity and reckless abandon…MORE…and looking at what I have already, that statement is gross. And I realize that, believe me, I do. And it makes me want to punch myself in the face, so it’s a vicious cycle, really.

I’m sorry. I hope you skipped this post. I really do. I’m disgusted with myself for feeling this way when I have so much for which to be thankful. But I’m just keeping it real….file this under
“sometimes I share too much.”



Sami said...

Hey guess what? I have the sadz too. It happens and you my dear are amazing for just putting it out there. I feel the need to be positive all of the time but sometimes I'm not and then my blog is kind of fake. Keep your chin up lady :)

Niki said...

Hey girl. I'm glad I didn't skip this post because I've been in your exact same position. People who don't really understand what it feels like seem to think that it's so easy just to turn it off and look at the good things you have. But it's not that easy, especially when you're depressed like that. I think it would be a really good idea to call your therapist rather than waiting it out. I got really depressed - with no reason I could see behind it either - and waited, but ended up sad for longer than I should have. I want you to feel better - and happy!!! <>

Anonymous said...

The sadz are the worst. I think it's worth calling your therapist just to see what she suggests. Sometimes we all need an extra little shoulder/pill to cry on.

As far as the nail polish remover drinking, just buy a pint of Yukon Jack. That shiz TASTES like nail polish remover, but without the brutal side effects...which is also why I suggest just a pint, don't want the brutal hangover to rival actual nail polish remover effects.

Love you! Let yourself have these sadz and know that it will get better. Don't focus on others being happier with less. Your emotions are real and their yours. You need to feel them in order to feel other things.

Kim said...

I'm glad you shared such a real post. I agree with most of the stuff above and just want to say that if you need a non-nail polish drinking adventure buddy, I'm in. I've definitely felt all those feels before and probably the worst is loneliness. It seems like you can get over the boredom/lack of motivation etc. if you just had the ability to be with someone else. So this is my e-extension of adventuring and sangria enjoyment. Woohoo! Keep your head up :)

Amber said...

I am here for you, girl! We all have bad days and tomorrow will be better! PS you are not supposed to drink nail polish remover...just sniff it:)