I can’t figure out the reason behind them….those are the worst kinds of sadz. At least if I could pinpoint a reason, I could work on making it better, but the Mystery Sadz? There’s no cure. I just have to wait them out and try not to let them eat me whole. I’m going on 3 days now. I’m struggling with whether or not I should call my therapist and add an extra appointment, have my meds adjusted, cry on her shoulder…or whether I should just wait it out, tell myself everybody struggles from time to time and I just need to put on my big girl panties and stop being a whiny little bitch. Especially since there’s no reason for this.
I feel like a failure because I am letting my goals slip away from me, shrouded in apathy.
I have IBD.
My commute makes me want to drink nail polish remover on the daily.
I feel like my wings are clipped.
I don’t want to do anything other than lay around.
I don’t want to make dinner, I don’t want to work out, I don’t want to do the laundry, I don’t want to grocery shop, I don’t even want to call and make appointments to get my hair done. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to make like Sleeping Beauty, prick my finger on a spindle or whatever the heck she pricked her finger on, fall into a deep sleep for 100 years (God, sleeping for 100 years sounds like the most amazing thing I have ever heard) and wake up to……to what? A whole different set of things to bitch about? God, shutUP, Rachel. Seriously.
But I can’t help it. When the sadz get me, they get me good. I just want MORE….more in my daily life, more adventure, more excitement, more things to look forward to, to be hopeful about, more spontaneity and reckless abandon…MORE…and looking at what I have already, that statement is gross. And I realize that, believe me, I do. And it makes me want to punch myself in the face, so it’s a vicious cycle, really.
I’m sorry. I hope you skipped this post. I really do. I’m disgusted with myself for feeling this way when I have so much for which to be thankful. But I’m just keeping it real….file this under
“sometimes I share too much.”