10 months

Instead of a white onesie with a cute little “10 months” sticker, this time around, we took his monthly picture wearing the most heartbreaking tiny green hospital gown. Benny spent the first night of his 10^th month behind curtain number 38 at Good Samaritan Hospital with a fever of 104.8.

It came on out of nowhere at bedtime on Thursday and through the night his fever steadily rose, despite the Tylenol and Motrin I was giving him. He spent Friday morning with his grandma until we could get an appointment with his pediatrician at 1:45. I explained his symptoms as he laid in a lethargic heap on my chest, burning hot and too weak to lift his head or cry. She took his temperature and sent us straight to the ER. To be honest, I don’t know how I managed to get us there in one piece through hysterical tears.

The whole ordeal lasted approximately 6 hours. My sweet little boy was subjected to 5 separate temperature readings (and if you know how they take a baby’s temperature at the hospital, you know how traumatizing that alone was for him), countless blood tests, a chest x-ray. They swabbed his tiny nose for a flu culture and inserted an IV which ripped my heart right out of my chest.

They gave him fluids for dehydration and we had to wait hours for him to pee into this bag that was taped under his diaper so they could do a urine test. Meanwhile, my sweet angel just snuggled in our laps, alternating between sleeping and whimpering.

The tests finally came back and told us little more than that his white blood cell count was slightly elevated so he got an infusion of antibiotics and by the time we left the hospital at almost 8pm, his temperature was back to 98.6 and he was more exhausted than I have ever seen him.

My little boy is the strongest, most resilient, amazing little person I have ever had the honor of knowing. By Sunday afternoon, he was back to his sweet, troublemaking self, crawling around the living room with an impish grin getting into mischief.

So we missed out on month 10 of his sticker pictures, which I will probably still take, just a few days late, which you know makes my OCD twitch a little bit. What we got instead was a dose of reality and a big helping of heartbreak but that little boy of mine? He is my hero. And I love him with every bit of my overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted and very, very thankful heart.

sweet dreams.

Dreams...they seem to evaporate before your feet even touch the floor, so let me just quick get this out….i woke up this morning in a state of bliss. Bliss I say. Well, as blissful as I actually get these days anyway…just moments before the ungodly hour of 5:52am, I had been the guest of honor at some lavish party with a hundred people I had never met. I was standing in a circle having a conversation with three girls that I was hardly paying attention to because over one of the girls’ shoulders, my imaginary boyfriend, David Cook was looking hot as hell, dressed to the nines in a bad ass black suit. He was searching the crowd, flocked by his bandmates, also spiffed all up and lookin’ fine (?), and I was trying desperately to catch his eye so I could look away quickly and act coy. Apparently, even in my dreams, I have no game because he walked away, leaving the party without noticing me and I wandered off to a lonely corner where I was approached by Jeff Goldblum, also looking dapper, donning a fedora (random) and asking me if I remembered him, telling me we had met at least 5 times….

I started to feel a little confused as this was about the exact moment that I began drifting back into consciousness and wondering to myself….”wtf? Wait, have I met Jeff Goldblum? I mean, I guess it’s possible, wait, I think I might have! Definitely not 5 times, but maybe once? Twice? I mean, I can’t even recall half of the celebrities, d-list as they may have been, that I have encountered in my life. You can’t swing a dead cat in L.A. without hitting one of them so Jeff Goldblum? I mean, it was certainly possible….and this is how one wakes themselves up, by trying to rationalize this nonsense, so I fought it with all my might and drifted back just long enough for Jeff to tell me David had left, but that he was looking for me to tell me that he had thrown this party for me. ME! god, I knew it all along. He loves me!!!!!!  I mean, duh. It’s pretty obvious….

Wow….when you put them all together like that, I kind of look a little bit like a stalker. There are legit excuses for all of those pictures, I promise….

Ok…so, moving on! The reason I am all amped up over this is that yesterday, tickets went on sale for 2 shows in December and we snatched them right up in a hot second and in that moment, I could see the old me, the girl who used to, every once and awhile, let the happy in and I felt hope.

Oh yeah, and also cuz we’re gonna have a freakin’ BLAST in a glass!!

And i know i am squeeking like a 12 year old at a Justin Beiber concert but holy shiz I miss this kid. I love him. I do. Have we touched on that? jeez. Now what in the hell am I going to wear?  

on chasing the happy and feeling like a big loser

i don’t know about you, but there are a few girls on the periphery of my life that i want to just grab on to and be all “omg, you hardly know me but i really think you’re cool and i want to be your friend. do you like me? please say you like me. please tell me you think i am cool cuz i think you are sooooo cool and if it wasn’t so obviously pathetic, i would probably copy basically everything you do cuz you are so pretty and your clothes are so awesome and and the things you say and the things you write are just brilliant and you just seem so HAPPY and i want to soak it all up like a sponge!” and how creepy is that, really?  if somebody did that to me, i would probably say “aw! that is so sweet! i am flattered” and then join the witness protection program, yet here i am, acting the creep.

maybe it’s simple. maybe i just see in them things that i want so desperately for myself right now but that seem to keep eluding me? maybe they seem to have it so ‘together’ and i feel like i will always be one bad hair day away from winding up on the nut farm. their style is effortless, their words just flow, their smiles seem genuine and lit from within while my style is: hot mess in maternity pants and my words never feel inspired and my smile is most of the time forced to avoid the judgment of people who think my happiness is a choice and not completely dictated by a couple of out of whack chemicals floating around in my brain.

i think if you’re honest though, as creepy as this admission is, it’s a natural instinct for girls to some extent, right? otherwise, explain the disney princesses, supermodels and jennifer aniston. maybe i am just grasping for straws so i don’t feel like such a loser.

when i was about 10, i went to an all girls sleepover summer camp. i remember one session, being totally fascinated by one of the girls in my cabin. i left her secret presents on her bunk every day, stuff i’d made at arts & crafts, candy i had saved from canteen, souvenirs I got on the field trip. and at the end of the week, when i came clean that they were from me, i remember feeling so nervous i could have puked. i wrote some long winded note telling her how every week i would choose one of my co-campers at random and she would be the recipient of my secret gifting. lies. it was just her. i just wanted her to like me because she was one of the cool girls and she was so pretty and her clothes were so awesome and  the way she spoke was brilliant and she just seemed so HAPPY.

i have been chasing the happy for as long as i can remember. slippery little bastard.

this tiny, brilliant mind.....

is up to no good.......we are in some serious trouble.

the place you love....to pieces.

it’s like the holy land, with shampoo.

<cue: choir of angels>

seriously, what can’t you get at target?  and we don’t even have a super target. i mean, what IS a super target? please. don’t tell me.  i do not even want to know…..

on sunday, my boy and i took a trip to the mecca that is tar-jay. it’s not even the eve of my favorite season, which is always the best time to go…you know, when they just put out all the fertilizer and bright plastic sand buckets and blow up pools and bathing suits, but meanwhile, outside those big, red automatic doors there are still patches of ice on the ground and hardly a daffodil in sight? it’s like visual prozac for my seasonal affective disordered soul.

fall is my second favorite season though. there, i admitted it, ok? i know it’s followed by winter and that seriously sucks, and also not working it its favor is that the arrival of fall is, by definition, the end of summer, which is the season for which i live BUT as i’ve gotten older and my big girl panties have gotten…well…bigger, i’ve come to realize there is nothing i can do about the fact that it’s not summer 365 days a year  (which is bullshit by the way. who do i talk to about that?) and also? that the butt that sits in those big girl panties has no business traipsing around in one of those cute little bikinis from target and i’d do best just to snuggle into an oversized, squishy sweater and park my ass on the couch with a mug of tea.

a mug of tea. what am i? 90?

so anyway, this is pretty much just a longwinded excuse for me to post this picture of the monkey in target. my shopping partner. the love of my life. hold on to your ovaries, ladies, this one is a doozy…..

also, i am in love with basically everything in that store right now…share with me the things you’re drooling over!

oyster fest 2011

every year, we count down the days till the oyster festival in oyster bay, long island, home of theodore roosevelt and good old billy joel. it was ben's first of what we hope will be many trips to the festival and he had a total blast!! no oysters for him...or any of us for that matter (ironic, i know) but we stuffed ourselves silly on all sorts of other yummy things from the 8,647,922 vendors with their little booths set up in teddy roosevelt park....

raw oysters, fried oysters, oysters rockefeller, oyster stew, oyster po' boys, grilled oysters (forrest??)...and if you're not so into those little slimy boogers, they had raw clams, fried clams, clam chowder and seafood chowder that was absolutely to die for, sausage and peppers, fried oreos, roasted corn, killer chili, giant onion rings with fresh blue cheese dressing, sweet potato fries, crabcakes, lobster rolls (i passed. can you imagine? i'm spoiled...), pulled pork, fried chicken, burgers, dogs, root beer on tap in giant silver mugs, soft pretzels, fudge....

gluttony in it's purest form and also? pretty much my happy place. a great time was had by all!

we took a siesta on the rocky beach, walked for miles and miles in the glorious crisp fall air and had exactly the day i was needing so desperately.

the great pumpkin, take 2

let’s try this again….



we set out this past weekend in the record breaking heat to give pumpkin picking another shot and i’m happy to report, it went much better this time. ben was still overwhelmed by all the new things to see, so i didn’t get any smiles from him until we hid out in the shade of the corn maze for a little rest and a snack. in the company of mommy and daddy, away from the stinky, dusty petting zoo and the acrobatic pig show (true story) the monkey was all smiles.

we didn’t come home with any pumpkins, but they did have some nice looking ones that in hindsight i wish we had grabbed. i felt like my nose was full of dirt boogers though and besides, if I had to carry pumkins back to the car, where would we have put the giant loaf of pumpkin bread?? yum. and don’t look at me all grossed out like you’ve never experienced the dirt boogers. please.

oh hey. what's up? just a spider monkey, hangin' out like spider monkeys do, dirt boogers and all...

so, i was really looking forward to pictures amidst the pumpkins with the whole fam clad in snuggly sweaters and warm boots holding steaming mugs of apple cider like a norman rockwell painting and instead? it was 87 degrees….but that’s ok!!! because i’ll be honest. i miss summer already and also because this weekend coming up, the weather is expected to be sunny and seasonal (my favorite!) and we are hitting up the festival that i most look forward to every year….the oyster festival!!! (and i don’t even really like oysters…go figure. i’m an enigma.)

i think the monkey is going to have a blast!

no. not THAT monkey.

p.s. we'll probably hit up canterbury ales while we're in the neighborhood which is pretty much to die for so basically, the good times? will be had by all :) is it saturday yet???

shameless self promotion

it ain't pretty, i know, but i'm doing it anyway.

i made this little blog it's very own facebook fan page. whatever, ok? it makes me feel important. everybody loves having fans...be mine? i promise not to flood your wall with annoying crap. i'm even toying with the idea of doing a giveaway when i get 100 fans. what the heck should i give away? i dunno. cart before the horse.

first things first...see that cool, blingy little FB box over there to the right? you just go right over there and click "like" so you can get updates when there're new blog posts to read and cute pictures of the monkey and yummy recipes. you know you already get updates from, like, klaussen pickles and tide detergent so this should be a welcome little treat.

so be our fan, k? do it for ben. thanks! xoxo

the great pumpkin....

was not so great, actually.

we set out last weekend to the east end to do some pumpkin picking and what we did instead was sort of wade through a stinky mud pit sparsely strewn with not so attractive pumpkins, many of which were smashed and mangled. poor guys. it's been a rough season for them up here with the hurricane taking out half the crop.

alas, benny had a great time. i think? he is such a funny little dude...when he's in a new environment, he gets super serious, taking it all in. if you call his name, he will totally ignore you. he just looks around, almost like he's scared, his big blue eyes darting from one thing to the next. no smiles. all business.

and also? i'm throwing this cute little hay bale pic in the ring over at and then she {snapped}cuz it's my favorite link up and this is my favorite pic :)

there were giant heads of cabbage, mammoth mums and roasted corn on the cobb so sweet it was like it had been dipped in sugar. there was face painting and a gift shop full of cool halloween decor and all the pumpkins you could carry for $25...but i certainly wasn't going to touch those stinky, muddy things. i'm a prissy pain in the ass, i know. i never denied it.

we stayed for about an hour before we headed out to the outlets to get ben some new clothes in 18 month size (what the hell?)...at the outlets, ben got to ride his very first toy car with bob the builder and he had a BLAST!

this weekend, the little guy and i might hit up a street fair and try out some more corn, get him a little more comfortable around the pumkins and see if we can get a smile out of him. serious little silly pants.