Tuesday, October 25, 2011

on chasing the happy and feeling like a big loser

i don’t know about you, but there are a few girls on the periphery of my life that i want to just grab on to and be all “omg, you hardly know me but i really think you’re cool and i want to be your friend. do you like me? please say you like me. please tell me you think i am cool cuz i think you are sooooo cool and if it wasn’t so obviously pathetic, i would probably copy basically everything you do cuz you are so pretty and your clothes are so awesome and and the things you say and the things you write are just brilliant and you just seem so HAPPY and i want to soak it all up like a sponge!” and how creepy is that, really?  if somebody did that to me, i would probably say “aw! that is so sweet! i am flattered” and then join the witness protection program, yet here i am, acting the creep.

maybe it’s simple. maybe i just see in them things that i want so desperately for myself right now but that seem to keep eluding me? maybe they seem to have it so ‘together’ and i feel like i will always be one bad hair day away from winding up on the nut farm. their style is effortless, their words just flow, their smiles seem genuine and lit from within while my style is: hot mess in maternity pants and my words never feel inspired and my smile is most of the time forced to avoid the judgment of people who think my happiness is a choice and not completely dictated by a couple of out of whack chemicals floating around in my brain.

i think if you’re honest though, as creepy as this admission is, it’s a natural instinct for girls to some extent, right? otherwise, explain the disney princesses, supermodels and jennifer aniston. maybe i am just grasping for straws so i don’t feel like such a loser.

when i was about 10, i went to an all girls sleepover summer camp. i remember one session, being totally fascinated by one of the girls in my cabin. i left her secret presents on her bunk every day, stuff i’d made at arts & crafts, candy i had saved from canteen, souvenirs I got on the field trip. and at the end of the week, when i came clean that they were from me, i remember feeling so nervous i could have puked. i wrote some long winded note telling her how every week i would choose one of my co-campers at random and she would be the recipient of my secret gifting. lies. it was just her. i just wanted her to like me because she was one of the cool girls and she was so pretty and her clothes were so awesome and  the way she spoke was brilliant and she just seemed so HAPPY.

i have been chasing the happy for as long as i can remember. slippery little bastard.



noreenmarie said...

WHO are you talking about, lovey? But yes, I can definitely understand. And sometimes you just wanna punch them in the face. ;) xoxo

Anonymous said...

I totally thought you were talking about me until you mentioned they write about being happy ;) Just kidding, none of what you described admiring sounds like me.
I think one thing to remember with these idols is that everything is edited. You don't know how many different shots it took to get that one perfect photo, how many hours they stood in front of the mirror perfecting their hair. Hell, you don't even know if their happiness is true happiness or something they're trying to portray to others on the internet to be liked more.
None of this is probably helping you, I'm sorry. We all have those idols though. And they have their own idols too.