a very important letter...

Dear Bennett,

Today, you are two years old.

My life before you is a blur of insignificance. On that snowy, surreal day 2 years ago, you instantly became the sun around which my whole world revolves and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

This little journey we are taking has not always been easy. In fact, at times, it has been a bit of a nightmare.  I have so much sadness over the days I will never get to do over with you. Those days when my mind was just not quite right and I wasn’t able to understand how blessed and perfect my life had become, all because of YOU. All because of you, my love. But, this journey is ours alone and we will grow together and learn from each other and I can’t understand how I am lucky enough to call you mine. I am speechless and humbled and head over heels in love with every thing about you.

Little boy, I love the way you dance. You stomp your feet to the music and then lay down on the floor and get back up, you spin in circles and wave your hands and when I watch you, I am overcome with your lack of inhibition and I know that you are dancing out everything you’re feeling and it is pure joy and I could want nothing more for you than pure, unjaded, simple joy. I love when you sing from the backseat, or along with me when I sing you Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Sometimes when I hear you sing, I think my heart might burst. I love more than anything when you are trying to fall asleep and you brush your fingers on my face, just to feel me and know I am there. Your touch is light and gentle like a whisper and sometimes it makes me cry because I know I can’t protect you forever and I know that these gentle moments will soon be replaced by rough housing and talking back and “Mom! Don’t kiss me in public!” and it’s not fair, because I am in love with you, baby, and you’re going to break your momma’s heart.

I am so proud of you. You are gentle and kind and smart and funny. Your sense of humor is dry and brilliant and your vocabulary is, although sometimes garbled, impressively expansive. You say “please” (“pweeeeez!”) and “Thank You!” (“kee kee!” or “tanks!”) and make your elders stop and look twice before they answer you “you’re welcome!” because what 2 year old boy has such delightful manners? And I beam with pride. Because you are mine. My one and only.

Sweetheart, you are my most precious gift. You will never know how all consuming my love is for you. Today is YOUR day, but it forever will also be mine because on your birthday, I became the person I was always meant to be, your momma. I will never be worthy of you, Love. I will always be humbled by your perfection. I will always be your cheerleader, your unyielding supporter. I will always love you more than you could ever believe, unconditionally.

On this day, and every day, I want to hear your unabashed giggles. I want to hear you sing from the depths of your heart and watch you dance with reckless abandon. I want to smother you in kisses and hugs and tickle you till you laugh so hard you get the hiccups. I want to surround you with a feeling of love and warmth and security so all encompassing that it will stay with you even after I am gone.

I love you, Bennett. I can’t say it enough. You are my everything.

Happy, Happy Birthday, Baby.

Love, Momma